Feeling sad

I guess i try to do like nothing happens, like i'm strong and even stronger, like nothing can hurt me or... whatever.

I feel very sad, and so lost and afraid...

losing my...

What is better for your child

Or what is worse, for that matter

No, really…I’m trying to do my pros and cons list… It’s the only thing that’s left… but I am not sure… I don’t even know if my perceptions are real or enough anymore. I don’t even know if I’m going crazy by now.

What are those things that cross the line? Where is the line and how am I supposed to see it or… Crap.

I can’t go on like this, but I don’t know what to do, how to do it, shit.

I just want to disappear.

This is my point:

Fuck, I don’t even know what my point is anymore.

I guess I lost perspective.

Dissotiation

The separation of a group of mental processes or ideas from the rest of the personality, so that they lead an independent existence, as in cases of multiple personality (Collins)

So like making little, independent packages out of your feelings, emotions, ideas, thoughts… With little labels on the outside, tidy and net.

Like putting death and orphan and sadness and cold and cancer and aunt and third and she likes-well she liked… and other little things like that in a little box and wrapping it with brown paper and then store it somewhere out of sight, in a dark corner or under some other stuff which doesn’t matter anyway, anymore.

And it is brown paper, you know. Not really insulated coating… So it leaks a little bit, here and there. So when you suddenly hear a song, smell something, see a photo or, talking to a friend, it’s a girl! Really? Congrats! How are you gonna call her? Africa! O.        Very nice name.

Then, maybe your throat strangles a little bit. Maybe your eyes feel dizzy. Maybe your lips get tense… Maybe you smile slightly… or another images come to your mind…

There is one that keeps coming to mine. We are sitting on a coach, at my mothers’, when I still lived there, and there was no blue-eyed son yet (no orphan), no responsibilities, no mother, nothing. And we were watching tv, and talking all the time. About flowers, about chakras, about life and death, about whatever we were watching… smoking, eating, chatting… just that, legs crossed on the sofa, side by side.

My world is falling asleep, she said. And it did. 

Put a plaster on your wound

(Don’t know… Does it work? How?)

How can I possibly stop that big stone ball that’s moving inside myself… Guess I can’t, I’ll have to redirect it… ;)

I do have a lot to do, so maybe, just maybe, I can start fixing my, say, professional life, and I’ll go back to the personal side later on… Is that right?

However, after such a long time, I know now I won’t let some things happen again. Or… I’ll try not to… And there’s a lot I can do to make things easier, in fact. I want to learn how to communicate effectively (this headline could be taken from a fucking youtube video… whatever…) and I can be respectful and patient. Yeah, whatever again.  

See? I’m willing…

I’m willing… and I’m willing to do so many other things, too… That might be a little problem. 

Obvious

I know it's going to sound like me me me me again, but this is my stupid crap, isn't it? So just let me be...

I was supposed to be happy. I am supposed to be happy, live a happy (or quite happy) life, be able to give a fucking happy life to my sons... And, instead... Here I am, crying in bed at night like a lonely child, feeling helpless and lost... This is not right, not right at all.

And there you are, unhappy too. Is this even worth it?
You are not the same anymore. And I am not the name anymore... Is this what we really want?

Obviously, no.

Not in the mood

Really

Look, I’m aware at least half of the problem is my fault, I know I have so many things I need to change, and even though sometimes it hurts, I am willing to listen, it’s not criticism itself what makes me want to just leave. It’s everything that surrounds it. That’s what makes me feel like I should be back from all this crap by now…

So many hours of therapy, and I didn’t even solve this in my life… What a waste…

Life

One of my aunts has a cancer. It’s all about percentages. And also genes, I guess. She’s about to die. Now, thing is she has a son. The father is a dangerous drunkard, to make it short. Well, it might depend on the day, but generally he is, and he has no house, he lives here and there, depending on the girlfriend of the moment. The boy is twelve. My own son is seven, and the youngest, two. I can’t keep him, and it feels so wrong…

My aunt keeps thinking she’s going to get better, maybe she’s just saying… Her son doesn’t know she won’t. They have to move… They live in another city and we can’t help them there. They don’t want to leave their everything there. Not that they have a lot of things, it’s not really things what they have…

It’s hard.

We are holding plenty of family meetings. We are taking plenty of difficult decisions. We are trying to reach plenty of agreements.

It’s hard.

Transparent

Today I feel if I let somebody look a little too much into my eyes, they’re gonna see my dreams, my desires, my trembling inside that’s too hot today.

I’d like to close my eyes and let everything get real for a while… for a night… 

Frustration makes me cynical...

New life, old life

I don’t believe in “forever”. And it is simply a matter of sanity. It scares me, the sense of “eternity”.

Whenever the issue comes up, we usually talk about the fear of void, ending, stuff like that… survival of species taken to extremes. And I agree, can see that, understand that fear, I empathize with that feeling, and know that many people are really afraid of disappearing just like that and then nothing.

But what I think is… what’s the alternative? I mean, if I don’t rot and end of story… Then I keep being myself for ever. Thinking. Let’s give some credit to stories of our cultures. No body. Mind, and no body. Sorry, soul. And no body – no sex. No sex but a lot of thinking. Man, doesn’t it sound awful?? I know I’m weird, but it seems plain to me. And no sleeping, too! Gosh, how could that be sane in any possible scenery?

Plenty of time to think and rethink and, say, observe. Sounds like fun.

To be honest, that scares me. If I have too much thinking, I go crazy. I feel I’d better kill myself. So that is really why I don’t believe there is nothing after this real earthly life. I don’t buy any extreme joy, happiness for ever, peaceful feeling spreading over your soul. I don’t know everybody else, but I don’t think could be happy and so for a long time, you know, I can’t help thinking and if I can’t do anything it has to be very frustrating, and frustrating is not a synonym for peaceful, is it?

So no forevers for me, thanks.

Not here and now, not later on.

I think I already said that I am a serial monogamous just out of socialization and maybe because I was young and not very wise when I started living. If I had the chance to restart with the knowledge I have now, I’d do very differently. But that’s life. You start young, and then you learn, and then it’s late.

I don’t mean I regret what I have done. I do regret what I haven’t done, but that’s another issue. It’s more like… I might regret how I did it… I might change that. Abiding by social standards, being so limited inside… So afraid, so dependent. Serial monogamous…

I know it’s never too late. I know I can still do so many things, I could even change my whole life, turn it upside down if I would. If I would. Then collateral damages would arise. Not for me. I am not scared for myself any more. Well, that’s so not true, but it sounded great. I am working on that. I am not that scared for myself any more, now I am scared for other reasons. Because if I decided to die, suffering wouldn’t be mine. If I decided to run away… how could i? How could I separate my children from their family, how could I take them away, uproot them, their school, how could I find a school I feel comfortable with, how could I take them to a school I don’t feel comfortable with… And I didn’t say anything about the obvious… In fact, this is really nothing compared to how could I hurt them so much. In any case. Not even fleeing.

So even if it is never too late… Is it really possible?

In a way, I feel I have changed so much that I might be a very different person, but I can’t know, because I won’t get rid of my old skin, how could I, it’s too dangerous and the collateral damages would be far too great to be really considered. 

lost

Feel so fucking guilty right now. Not that it is going to be of use… I guess I have to start doing sth differently. I realized, right now, just like that, that I have stopped doing things that I consider basic for the education of my children just because. Just because my partner expressed he didn’t like them, just because I didn’t want to argue, just because I didn’t mean to offend or upset or bother him. Just because… And my eyes filled with tears.

I am too sensitive, lately. I am about to burst into tears every minute or two. And I just want to disappear or die or sth that implies to stop abruptly. I think if I didn’t have my children I would have fled very, very far away quite a long time ago. I want to get out of this fucking circus.

And I really feel I have no options. I am like, don’t know, annulated? Put my poker face and keep going. But filled of an irrational rage that splatters around from time to time, and this is hurting people I love.

I am at a loss.

Going through an existential something?

I’d like to just try to figure out who I really am now. 

Destruction

J’avais telle besoin de tout détruire que je l’ai fait, sans y penser.

Et… maintenant… je ne sais plus qui je suis.

guilty dreams

It is frustrating, and I know it’s not even fair… But in a way, I guess I feel life is kind of over… I mean… no more traveling, no more new experiences, no more new tastes, new bodies, new adventures… I feel like a very old person, alive just through memories. And now I’m being unfair once again… My children are very rewarding, I love being with them, watching them grow, everyday, their occurrences, the way they see the world… It is enriching. But I miss, don’t know… that moment when I was feeling down, fed up… and I could plan my next adventure. Not very far, not even very adventurous… Just going away from daily shit, from daily routine. Just dreaming about it. Now I feel guilty even when dreaming. 

Fucking positive

Trying to be positive, that’s what I’m doing. Not very good at, but trying anyway.

Try to erase some comments from your brain (not friends…), some feelings from your heart, some tiredness from your eyes, and there you go, try.

I am lucky (that’s a new mantra), I have to take advantage of this situation. I want to be somewhere else but anyway I can do many things here. I can. Yes. I can manage.

Look at me, I am being positive. Are you not proud?

Make a happy face, use your happy voice, and you’ll be closer to happiness. Yippee!

Blowin' in the wind? C'mon...

I feel a little broken, lately. I might have not very good reasons, in fact. I have two lovely kids, a very understanding partner, a pet, a job… a life… but when I wake up I feel like… I don’t know. Broken. Just don’t wanna be here anymore, just don’t wanna be human anymore. A bird, I want to be a bird. When I was younger, and I thought about being a bird, it was an eagle I chose. Now… I only want to fly, so for the matter, it’d be fine just being a feather, or a leave, as long as the wind kept it flying further and further.

 Seems that I’d like to escape. Now I read this, seems like I don’t want to see my children anymore. And that is so not true. But I do need a break, I guess. Perspective, a little air. My throat feels a bit strangled. I am unhappy.

I don’t have to be unhappy. I have to be happy. That’s why I live, to be happy. Hedonism is always been a basic. Like underwear, if you know what I mean. And if I’m not happy, what the fuck am I doing around? Survive?

Well, yeah, I guess. Survive and help the species survive. That’s instinct.

And when I get rational, things get worse. Thinking is baaad. The alternatives are not very bright. So what do I do?

And there is no answer. 

A Little Vacuum

Like going back into a dreaded past. A little failure, disguised. Not really good, the costume, anyway.

Like everything's been fake...

I look around and it is just the same crap, with a natural light and different names. And I feel so sad...

Messy

There is a black shadow inside me, maybe more like a bag, full of hate, tears and shouting. And it is about to break and spread everywhere, and the shit is going to hit the fan...

And I am so tired that I don’t know if I care anymore...

Fantasies...

I am not my fantasies, and I don’t want to. But I do want to enjoy them. I love being myself and I do not change it for anything... but I love being somebody else when it is dark, when nobody knows, nobody sees, I love being somebody else, even if it is not politically correct, even more, if it is not politically correct...

Kicking on

When i feel like crap, like I’m being torn apart, like I don’t want to wake up every mornig, I keep telling myself I can grow out of this. Like a plant. And I think of a vine, dead here and there, and reborn a little later. And it doesn’t help, but I know I can do it anyway. And I don’t feel like making such an effort, but I do it anyway. And I wake up every morning. Dead or alive. U know.

Back

I know it's been long... And also that I fool myself when I say that I haven't had any time... Any? Well, say that my priorities have been changing a little bit. I haven't fogotten this blog, though. And from time to time I used to write posts. Head-posts, if you know what I mean. Strangely, neither of them have been registered here... Anyway, my life is quite different now. Different house, different pet, different number of kids, different neighborhood, different profession, even... Same shit.

Well, let's try to be positive...

I can't right now. But I have to say that I love my kids. And my pet. Maybe even my new job. If only it were an actual job... Frustration, disappointment, sadness, and sometimes also anger.

I... ok, hate myself is a little too strong. Maybe don't like me very much lately. I have been quite stupid. What a surprise. I have made many mistakes. There are no many mistakes that cannot be solved, said somebody in a very interesting something somewhere... Sounds good, like it. But when it comes to real real real life, it's bullshit. Maybe it's not. Maybe my mistakes, the most important ones, those that are breaking my head right now, maybe those belong to the very small percentage that cannot be solved. And now I find myself in a position that I can't stand any more. But unable to change it because... How can I hurt that much so many people I care so much?

Well, see you

PS. Little stinky is dead, by the way...