Sometimes
I feel out of everything. Sometimes I am a little negative and then my life is
frustrating and even though I know that statistically I can still do many many
things, I feel I never will. Some other times, though, I feel I keep walking.
Towards something, the life I want, the person I want to be, the mother I want
to become, the professional I’d like to… well, you know. And I don’t really
know if I will ever start travelling again, if I will ever have money,
basically. Don’t really know anything, starting right now, am I strong enough?
Can I stand here and stay here like that frozen princess that even being Disney
hits a fucking point? Don’t really know. Will I withdraw? Wouldn’t it be far
easier if I would?
I
guess this is a bit kind of a transition. Maybe if I hadn’t started… could live
fine, even very well… But going back now feels like tying myself in a knot,
like losing myself again and forever (it always feels like forever anyway).
And, in many ways and fields, I
find myself trying to find “peers”, I mean it’s like I needed someone’s backup,
somebody else saying that what I feel is right, that I am not a crazy… don’t
know, whore or sth (not that I care about that), or maybe emotionally impeded or
whatever my “disorder” can relate to. And in truth, I don’t think I have a
problem, and if I analyze it, I know there are as many points of view as there
are people on the earth. Which means nothing, by the way. But, again,
analytically I know there’s no wrong feeling, there’s no misconception of life,
emotions, relations… And still… I keep trying to find someone’s backup. I
agree, don’t worry, you’re not alone, you’re not that weird, it’s not that bad.
