Close your eyes

What a storm... reminds me of so many other storms... if i close my eyes long enough, i can even feel them together with this one. It smells like buildings and sand, today. long thunders come from far away. Big lightenings break the dark sky full of dots of bright lights from other apartments. Great storm from the beginning, when it was but a few lightenings seen trough the clouds, no rain, and the thunders came from even farther away, not easy to distinguish from the sound of the waves of the beach where we were laying flat, enjoying his very first storm at the beach. Hey!! Did you see that?? Did you see that one?! It was biiig!!! He laid on me, his little head on my chest, and then on my belly, and then lets go throw stones to the waves, ok, but hold my hand all the time, it's dark and i dont wanna lose sight of you, it scares me...

It smells faintly of sand and lemon trees... it's a pity there are built things everywhere, the smell is fading so fast...

I remember once, i was a teen, up in a little wooden house made years ago, not really suitable for anybody anymore. Sb shouted i should go back inside, i had to, i must, but i pretended not to hear.

I remember another day, i went into the sea and laid there, water everywhere, thunders at the back of my head, waves going higher and higher. We went out, and sat at the breakwater, looking the sea get mad, sending froth everywhere, lost and never forgiven mermaids that will never be able to walk or see their families again. When i see that white layer disappear slowly from the sand, from the top of the waves, i always remember the real story. Not the sweetened-disney one, but Andersen’s little mermaid, the one that never got to the point of deciding between her lover and her family, because life decided for her: you will become white foam. Seems that in fact she didn’t become foam, but an eternal soul that... whatever. I’ve always been very sceptical, so, for me, she’ll always be on top of the waves, swimming fast, appearing and disappearing over and over again...

The time of my life

Here we are, in hell.

Do you remember Dirty Dancing? Well, this is a bit like that, u know, lots of noise and people everywhere, really, everywhere, packed, pushing each other just because there is no place for everybody to coexist. Loud crappy music, people jumping up and down, streching arms and twisting all together, follow the leader, leader, leader, hey, macarena, ooofff, scary... See? like dirty dancing, but for the hero. No Patrick Swayze that i have seen (true that i tend to avoid organized whateverthing, maybe i should go dance there and feel even more stupid... mmm... no, i think i won’t). So, as i was saying, like dirty dancing, but without patrick swayze, and, in truth, without the good soundtrack and the dancing part... so, in fact... guess this is just dirty, and not even the interesting way of being so...

My mobile phone is on strike, what means that i no longer know what’s the time and am not sure whether the alarm works properly or not. Or if it would. In case i would need it, i mean. Because i’m on holidays, remember? =D Now go say i’m not fucking positive.

And i have no internet...

Anyway, i’m really having the time of my life. Pushing boundaries, making faces, preparing foods in his little brand-new kitchen (there is rice everywhere, by the way), singing songs about pirates, doors and birthdays, reading and re-reading wild things and moons and zebras called camilla. Just brilliant. Sensitive enough to see when his mom is about to become red and explode, sensible enough so as to change his mind as soon as he realizes. Ok, no real need for that little chair, anyway. I’ll leave it where it was. Casual, soothing, like a good joke.

The other day we watched a film. He didn’t get much. Kept asking what’s gonna happen? where is the... robert? dog? whatever it was? where is it? what’s happening? why are they following them? He didn’t even notice they were from another planet, green anthenna and everything. I guess there was no real difference for him; in fact, there was no real difference... Anyway, we got to the point when the hero was taken. Aaand he obviously scaped. And then everybody run away... mum, are they gonna cut his head now? i want to see them cut his head off, i want to, i want to... Definitely, he didn’t really get much... I think we are going back to Nemo, so appropriate, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, he says while he tries to keep his eyes, mouth and nose out of the water in the swimming pool, everything else sinking fast...

Besides, i have never slept as much in my life.

About trains and other stuff

There is a song that says sth like sooner or later you’ll have to learn some things that are not taught at school: seizing the sky with your bare hands, laugh and cry everything you need to say, patching your torn soul, overcoming the fear to be left looking like an idiot... Well, i learnt the last bit recently... I thought ok, either i go right for the yugular or i miss that train... and, my gosh, what a train!

Ad-guy, all smiles, working around... he's got it all... awsomely good looking, bike, good ass, white toothpaste-ad-smile, even seems to be very nice... And there i was, last day before my long and really deserved vacation, almost mad and with a foot already out of the office. He asked me to make him a favour. Hehe, i could have made him two... Please, could you scan this for me? Well, yeah, as long as you take me out for a ride in your bike... Ok, he said. Fair enough, innit? ;D Thing is that he left and i couldn't even tell him i was leaving for a month. So i texted him... To put it into a nutshell, i became very very clear about what i wanted, and he told me he was out of the city. Ever since, we have texted each other every some days.

Last time he did, he wrote sth like yeah, going with my family for holidays and also with my girlfriend for a week. I’m sure he didn’t add NOTE the girlfriend part because it would have been too long for a text message. Sounds kindda childish, doesn’t it? So i answered a whole month at the beach because my son will enjoy it more. Square. He never answered back.

See? Guess that’s why i prefer men in their fortyish... they go more like yeah, my wife is not home this week end, shall we meet? =D

Aand that’s why i’ll never ever marry.

(At least a man in his fortyish... i’ll marry a man in his twentyish when i’ll be fifty!! – am i not funny? :D)

But i just broke two main rules: never say never ever and don’t state you'll never do something because no matter what, you can end up doing things you could have never pictured yourself doing. And, anyway, i’m just being cynical, as usual... none of this is stricticly true... Though i really think things don’t drop too far from it.

And i won’t marry, by the way.

My coworker said pity he’s got a girlfriend, but, hey, don’t worry – No, i won't, and, anyway, he owns me a ride... we'll see, i don't even care if he's got a girlfriend or not, it's his business. She laughed and said yeah, i haven't seen you for some days and just forgot... then hear you say sth like this and remember to whom i am talking...

Family and other crap

Let me tell you a little story...

There was this guy. Young, blond, tall, blue eyes, handsome, or so it seems. He met a girl, they had a relationship, a baby came. Then they broke the relationship, he met another girl, and another baby came. The relationship got broken before he knew she was pregnant; he had the perfect excuse when one day he got a letter with a picture of a cute little blonde boy, this is your son, in case u might be interested, and this is our address, just in case... he didn’t seem to be interested. He broke the letter, together with the picture. A bit later, he moved to another city. He got engaged to another woman. Life’s ironies, they couldn't have children for a long time; seems that his sperm had become lazy, after so much movement. Nowadays, he has a five-year-old son. Blue eyes. With the first of the three he's got a light contact. Broken for years and rejoined afterwards, it's kindda cordial now, kindda once a month we phone, well, maybe, or email, or text. With the second one, nothing at all. Don’t know him, but i don’t even know the name or where he lives. The third child is living with him and everything. So here u have three very different ways of having a child represented in an only person.

And i wonder.

I wonder why, i wonder how... (just another lemon tree?) I wonder how this can happen, i wonder how he can sleep at night, i wonder why the fuck can he say (even think!) that he knows about having a child older than the one he’s living with, i wonder why should i give that little blue-eyed boy, that obviously is not to be blamed for anything, more importance than to the other blond boy whose picture was so easily discarded. Or so it seems. Are they not exactly the same? Are we not exactly the same, all of us, we humans? Obviously not. It all depends on luck. Lucky we were born where we were born, when we were born and surrounded by whom we are surrounded, the ones that have stuck... in an ample sense...

I use to call him excuse me.

discouraging...

Oooff, this is scary... bombs trying to move belts or change its form, whatthefuck... i’m sorry, guys, but cannot help thinking that if that men sitting there and sending all those stupid rockets into the so-very-nice-as-it-is sky would have had a baby in their lap, a toddler on their knees or a real worry about their children, would have not done this ever in their lives. Bombings. Wars. Killings. Would u send your children there? Do they really care about anything but themselves? In Nigeria police is killing pple on the streets. Lie down there. Shoot him in the chest. And brilliant comments to the issue are kind of ok, sure they knew they had done sth wrong, where they terrorist? And everywhere, children on the streets, lost, forgotten, abandoned, used, abused, ill-treated, beaten, eaten...

Living in a child-eating world...

Thought and designed by men, patriarchal society, gods and power are all the same. Saturn Devouring His Son, Abraham going to kill his, father’s authority everywhere and... everything in behalf of an entity (whatever u may call it, society, country, this god or the other... it doesn’t matter, it’s all the same crap) that doesn’t really represent anybody. Not to talk about anybody’s children... Die, die for me, for your country, for your values, a society without values, without my values is bad, bad, are u not scared? reign of terror, don't think, just obey me, i know what i'm talking about. U just don't. Don't even try, u wouldn't understand. Let me explain u... look into my eyes...

Half-moon eyes

This week-end’s been great, simply great.

Getting my present back =) is always charming and sweet, and then going to the seashore (are we there yet? is it far? but very very far? are we there yet? and now? are we there now?) and watching him bath, jump, play, jump, lie down, jump again, let’s make a castle, let’s make a mountain, let’s make a bridge, let’s put some alligators in there, let’s break it all, i want to go sleep now, mom, rubbing his itchy reddish eyes full of salty water... cover me with the towel, please... Are we going to the swimming pool yet?

Frantic activity full of smiles and laughs, half-moon eyes, little hands extended, wait a moment, i’m going down to the swimming pool but will be back in a second, just wait a moment (??!! NOOO, u’re NOT going down by yourself!!). And then, exhausted, the little wolf song, mom, now the one of the train, and Mary Poppins, ok?

This week-end’s been great, absolutely great.

Restless

I’m being sooo stupid... but i can’t help it, just can’t. And what if... and what should i... and, shit, what in hell... Come on! Stop right away! Let’s not jump guns and wait before crossing bridges and all that crap; things are hard enough even if u don’t keep worrying before u know what the fuck is going on! But, hey, that’s me, can’t stop wracking my brain...

Worst part is i don’t know if i’m more worried or thrilled... and that’s bad, that’s so very baaad... Question is not whether i want or not. I do want. But could i? Probably not. And that’s sad.

Should i stay or should i go

‘Tis always hard to say bye, more if u don’t want to, even more if neither of u do. U keep thinking that’s the way it is, u knew from the beginning, anyway it was not gonna work, it never does. U keep telling yourself that’s the right thing to do, we’ll see, who knows, life gives you surprises from time to time. But it is hard to say bye.

That's all about today... Mondays suck, that’s what i can say about it. After a great week-end here it comes, right across your face: reality. While going down to earth yesterday and listening to the long-forgotten music i happened to have in my car, i was feeling very sad.

It’s being long, huh? Can’t help it, just can’t... I’m not gonna say i had loads of things to do, because it is definitely not true, at all. It goes more like i don’t feel like doing anything, not even thinking. I’m going to keep going and let’s see where it takes.

I had two friends coming from quite far and a bit farther, staying three days and almost one week, not at the same time. Good, innit? Truth is u don’t realise how much u can miss sb till u finally get to meet him/her again; then, when u hug, talk incessantly at first, get quiet and just thoughtful at times, go for a beer, look at each other and all that stuff, that’s when u realise. And the moment they go and u feel how comfortable has felt to have them close...

I went to the beach one day (things-to-do list). Met a guy there, very young, in fact. Well, thing is i’m used to older guys, so everybody else seems so very young... Feels good to know that u may still b attractive for sb young and hot =) mostly when, lately, the only thing i can think of in front of the mirror is how very old i look. I know it’s not exactly true, i know i’m not old at all, and everything, but just can’t help it. Nothing happened but for some kissing and touching here and there. Still, i may go back one day, he even rings from time to time! ;D

Vomiting

I wonder when things became so confusing. I know there is always a point where, though u do remember what happened, just cannot recall how it did. U don't recognize yourself in that person that decided whatever u decided, and u can't even thing of what in hell brought u to take that decision. Why did u fall in love with that guy, why didn’t u leave when it was so obvious it was about time, why did u come here and didn't go there, why, why, why. Wondering and puzzled, not really regretful.

Every time i feel that way, i feel like vomiting.
My whole life is like vomiting. Vomiting what i think, what i feel or what i need. Cannot communicate properly, just vomit. I feel like vomiting, soothing and relaxing, just like i feel like disappearing, hiding my head under my wing, i wish i had wings, flying away, high, very high, burning my wings and falling.
And i almost can’t remember why i shouldn’t. But for the headache.

It’s like a boyfriend you quitted long ago. U don’t really remember why u stopped anymore, or just vaguely, so u start wondering what if i tried again. Then there is that very sour taste in your lips and suddenly u remember everything. But u know you’re bound to forget again, and to keep wondering why shouldn’t i for the rest of your life.

Bubble shooting

Not fair. I ate no fucking apple, why in hell am i punished, then?? I want to go back home and sleep, or not... just don’t wanna be here!!!

Truth is i am to blame... Thursday had a long, long night that in fact doesn’t seem to be quite finished. I slept like one hour, so if i don’t sound coherent or just sober, it’s just because i am not. So hard to try to hit the right key... or to think...

So here i am, now, bubble shooting not to fall asleep. What a good girl am i, huh?

Pity i had to work today, otherwise we would have gone to the beach for a day or two, rain is always better at the sea side! Anyway, these last couple of days have been absolutely great, like being a teen again. Last time i thought about getting a car and driving to the coast straight away at five in the morning i was probably about nineteen or twenty. Bathing with the first sun rays, oranges and reddish spreading all over the mirror-like surface of the sea; just delightful.

Last time i actually did it was with a guy i dated for a short while after my first boyfriend. I remember his name only because of an ad, and know that he was older than me... around seven or nine years, probably... He was better looking dressed than naked. Quite handsome, but short; long, blond hair, deep blue eyes that got me charmed for at least two weeks ;) chemicals play dirty, but most of the times don’t last long. I didn’t want anything serious, and he was not serious at all. He had been with almost half of the office (female part) so it seemed like a good option. I didn’t like him in bed (ugh!!) He said he had fallen in love with me. I think his chemicals where just a bit longer-lasting than mines. I quitted the job shortly after that, and never saw him again. He was quite funny, a bit too funny sometimes, basically a good guy. Nothing interesting or remarkable, in fact, apart that week-end on the beach...

Pity i didn’t repeat. I will add that to my things-to-do list...

Pieces of shit

Why in hell do i want him so much, i wonder...

He’s not... dunno, nothing. Not handsome, not hot, not even tall... But gosh he is fucking attractive to me... He wins me over just by winking. Can’t help it...

Here is one of my (many) problems: i melt when a guy looks at me in a certain way. I already said that i don’t know how to say NO when it comes to it. As i said that i’m not consistent with my own decisions. I guess that’s all related to that little melting problem.

When i was younger and far less sensible, i thought it was about time to have a boyfriend or something. So i met a guy at high school and there u go, two years later i thought that it was about time to fly by myself.

He was nice, sweet and good looking (though not my type of good looking; too fair and childish). And now that i think of it, he may have not been that sweet... But i don’t remember many things about anything anymore, so i just couldn’t say...
He was five years older than me and looked like my younger brother. We lived together for a while. His habits were a bit too much for what i was used to. He tried to stop smoking because of the money, but he transformed into a mean bastard and we were living in a twenty meters studio, so the situation became quite unbearable and we decided that he’d better keep on smoking (please). This being not his only habit, i got used to many things like having a piece of shit the size of a tray, sniffing coke by the sea or hanging around with people that (ab)used drugs and alcohol every few days. I got tired of all this. Never really understood much of their behaviour, but, even if i didn’t join them most of the times, just seemed to be the way... don’t know...

One day everything seemed very clear. It was over.

Goldfishes and more

I know i am like a goldfish. Fishes, by the way, don’t have a 5 seconds memory, but a 5 months one. So go around saying it doesn’t matter, they won’t remember that i stuck a prickle in its throat, you see, haha, doesn’t matter anyway...

It does matter. In fact we, goldfishes, remember very clearly every little detail, every little prickle, till five months later. Then we erase it from our memories, so that they are clean and ready-to-use again.

I barely have memories from my childhood or my teens.

That’s why i have decided to make a draft about my lovers, so that i won’t forget any of them in the coming years.

I will start at the very beginning. Don’t worry, i started late... She was older than i was by then. She was even older than i am now. There’s not much to say. She had a kind of girlfriend, defined herself as bisexual and told me not to fall in love with her, which i didn’t. Afterwards, she’d send me a letter saying that coward love doesn’t get to be anything, that u have to take risks in your life, that... As for me, i didn’t have anything close to a boy- or girlfriend, i didn’t define myself (still don’t do it) and was just experimenting. When she told me not to fall in love with her i said great, don’t you fall in love with me and everything will be ok. She said she wouldn’t. I was just experimenting and she was older and wiser, but for a long time i felt really guilty for not falling in love, for the fact that she did, for not really wanting more. I didn’t even get my towel back. I own my aunt a towel ever since, that i haven’t forgotten. I didn’t even answer that painful letter. I never do.

She was nice, sweet and smooth. I didn’t like her kisses, but the massages were great.

Feeling home

My neck aches, wonder why...

Lying against a naked body is like being home. Passing your fingers through the hair in the chest, breathing so close to the skin that you can feel the down moving next to your lips, barely touching one side, up and down, awaiting the shiver, shivering yourself with the contact of his fingers on your middle back, and lower... Experienced feelings that every time feel so comfortably new...

Lately i have been discovering things about people i already knew.

For example, there is this guy at my workplace. He can talk. No, no, i mean it. I’ve been working here for more than half a year, now (far too long!!!) and i’m even familiar with some of them. With him, i had never been able to talk for more than two seconds. Hi – hi. And those days he was feeling quite talkative... We were in nodding terms, basically. But last week we parked at the same time, so we walked to the office together... talking! Amazing... He may have assisted that course, Communicating With Your Co-workers, or maybe How to Make Friends on a Rainy Day. The last handed out huge umbrellas for three people just in case u find somebody to talk to, so he had one in his car. Hey, useful. Ever since, we are in nodding terms again.

Another example is a friend of mine, a distant cousin, in fact. He bites.

And there is this point about myself that i already knew but has come to feel so close this week end. I am not consistent with my own decisions. Not at all... Well, maybe the thing is that my own decisions, from time to time, can be quite flexible... I like being flexible, u know? can be pretty useful.

Did i say that i HATE Mondays? Gosh, i feel seized up and giddy (maybe because of the allergy; i’m allergic to this job). So sorry if i’m being boooring, that’s because i’m sooo booored...

Chocolate

U know what? I don’t wanna know if my face looks like shit. I mean, don’t wanna be told so, sure i’ll know, nobody needs to tell me TWICE. Did u get chicken pox? no. Wow, so those over there are zits? seems so. Hey, what have u been doing? mind your own business, u fucking asshole. Ok, i didn’t say the last bit, but i swear that’s exactly what i meant with my best fuck-u-smile. Eating chocolate, i’ve been eating chocolate.

I’m just tired. Exhausted... May have something to do with the fact that yesterday i had dance class and when i finished i had a whole mess of a kitchen and then shower and then arrange the living room and then... hell, i need a cigarette!!!! i’ll phone my best friend =D When i finally went to bed and was starting to fall asleep... somebody wants some water. And two hours later, some more. And, last but not least, at ten to six. So no more sleep for today... Maybe that’s why i’m tired... and when i’m tired i need caffeine AND chocolate...

Truth is i have to cut down on eating chocolate. Ok, got it. But here she comes again, with a big smile: sure u didn’t catch chicken pox?

I try not to be mean. I do, really. But at that point, and only thinking to myself, can i be exempted? Sorry, i just can’t help thinking hey, speaking of this, what about your big ass? (batting eyelashes) gym being of any use? =D

Bureaucracy

How could i make such a great mistake. I wonder.

I never feel like writing the pronoun that refers to myself in capital letters. I. But least of all, today. Right now i feel like crap. I just realized how big my mistake was. Like god. I won't write it in capital letters as long as it refers to sb that may consider him/herself perfect and still keep its newborn non-baptized creatures in limbo just because of a rough missing paperwork. Or it used to before the almighty spokesman (not person) pope abolished that hellish place. Wonder where did every little soul as far captive there went at that point. Did he get to mention that little issue? I’ll check up. And keeps trying to have everybody noted down in books and confessed before deciding about his/her goodness, despite its own omnipotence. Fucking bureaucracy. Wouldn’t use capitals.

Now... i decided to have a baby with him (my ex, not the pope or god...). He, who has shown to be such an egocentric and immature person. How the fuck did he seem a good choice by then? Was i egocentric and immature enough not to realize? Was i fooled or blinded by love or any other stupid thing like that? Is that only an excuse? Senseless.

So many men fighting to be able to see his own kids more often, to have "the half of them he is entitled by law"... and mine fights back not to see the best little kid ever quite as much. Not to talk to me when that sweet boy is having such a bad time just to try to make things easier for him. I don't care if he doesn't want to talk to me, really. But i swear deep inside i burst into tears when i see my son rejected like that. U raise him by yourself, then. That's gotta be hard to hear from your father's lips when you are two and a half.

Later on i actually burst into tears, once my son is in bed, under the jet of the shower. I didn't even say will u sign that? I'm not scathing till it's too late. And besides i don't talk like that in front of my kid, so it's better that such a comment didn't come to my imagination. I would have poisoned myself on biting my lips. I was just left there, at the open door, feeling so small, so helpless.

He was smiling. It hurt all the more for that. I can't help but thinking that he was enjoying it. But maybe he was just too tense and couldn't think of a better face to offer. I still believe he's not such a bad guy. But, heavens, i do think he seems so!! Is it simply that he hates me and wants me to suffer? He did tell me once that he was starting to hate me. I could understand that, but thing is he is not hurting me, he is hurting my son. Sure that hurts me. Is it worthy? Hurting your son just to see your ex's pain?

Really, i just don't get it. Guessing doesn't take me anywhere and i'm still at a loss...