Saturday, August 14, 2010

Close your eyes

What a storm... reminds me of so many other storms... if i close my eyes long enough, i can even feel them together with this one. It smells like buildings and sand, today. long thunders come from far away. Big lightenings break the dark sky full of dots of bright lights from other apartments. Great storm from the beginning, when it was but a few lightenings seen trough the clouds, no rain, and the thunders came from even farther away, not easy to distinguish from the sound of the waves of the beach where we were laying flat, enjoying his very first storm at the beach. Hey!! Did you see that?? Did you see that one?! It was biiig!!! He laid on me, his little head on my chest, and then on my belly, and then lets go throw stones to the waves, ok, but hold my hand all the time, it's dark and i dont wanna lose sight of you, it scares me...

It smells faintly of sand and lemon trees... it's a pity there are built things everywhere, the smell is fading so fast...

I remember once, i was a teen, up in a little wooden house made years ago, not really suitable for anybody anymore. Sb shouted i should go back inside, i had to, i must, but i pretended not to hear.

I remember another day, i went into the sea and laid there, water everywhere, thunders at the back of my head, waves going higher and higher. We went out, and sat at the breakwater, looking the sea get mad, sending froth everywhere, lost and never forgiven mermaids that will never be able to walk or see their families again. When i see that white layer disappear slowly from the sand, from the top of the waves, i always remember the real story. Not the sweetened-disney one, but Andersen’s little mermaid, the one that never got to the point of deciding between her lover and her family, because life decided for her: you will become white foam. Seems that in fact she didn’t become foam, but an eternal soul that... whatever. I’ve always been very sceptical, so, for me, she’ll always be on top of the waves, swimming fast, appearing and disappearing over and over again...

The time of my life

Here we are, in hell.

Do you remember Dirty Dancing? Well, this is a bit like that, u know, lots of noise and people everywhere, really, everywhere, packed, pushing each other just because there is no place for everybody to coexist. Loud crappy music, people jumping up and down, streching arms and twisting all together, follow the leader, leader, leader, hey, macarena, ooofff, scary... See? like dirty dancing, but for the hero. No Patrick Swayze that i have seen (true that i tend to avoid organized whateverthing, maybe i should go dance there and feel even more stupid... mmm... no, i think i won’t). So, as i was saying, like dirty dancing, but without patrick swayze, and, in truth, without the good soundtrack and the dancing part... so, in fact... guess this is just dirty, and not even the interesting way of being so...

My mobile phone is on strike, what means that i no longer know what’s the time and am not sure whether the alarm works properly or not. Or if it would. In case i would need it, i mean. Because i’m on holidays, remember? =D Now go say i’m not fucking positive.

And i have no internet...

Anyway, i’m really having the time of my life. Pushing boundaries, making faces, preparing foods in his little brand-new kitchen (there is rice everywhere, by the way), singing songs about pirates, doors and birthdays, reading and re-reading wild things and moons and zebras called camilla. Just brilliant. Sensitive enough to see when his mom is about to become red and explode, sensible enough so as to change his mind as soon as he realizes. Ok, no real need for that little chair, anyway. I’ll leave it where it was. Casual, soothing, like a good joke.

The other day we watched a film. He didn’t get much. Kept asking what’s gonna happen? where is the... robert? dog? whatever it was? where is it? what’s happening? why are they following them? He didn’t even notice they were from another planet, green anthenna and everything. I guess there was no real difference for him; in fact, there was no real difference... Anyway, we got to the point when the hero was taken. Aaand he obviously scaped. And then everybody run away... mum, are they gonna cut his head now? i want to see them cut his head off, i want to, i want to... Definitely, he didn’t really get much... I think we are going back to Nemo, so appropriate, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, he says while he tries to keep his eyes, mouth and nose out of the water in the swimming pool, everything else sinking fast...

Besides, i have never slept as much in my life.

About trains and other stuff

There is a song that says sth like sooner or later you’ll have to learn some things that are not taught at school: seizing the sky with your bare hands, laugh and cry everything you need to say, patching your torn soul, overcoming the fear to be left looking like an idiot... Well, i learnt the last bit recently... I thought ok, either i go right for the yugular or i miss that train... and, my gosh, what a train!

Ad-guy, all smiles, working around... he's got it all... awsomely good looking, bike, good ass, white toothpaste-ad-smile, even seems to be very nice... And there i was, last day before my long and really deserved vacation, almost mad and with a foot already out of the office. He asked me to make him a favour. Hehe, i could have made him two... Please, could you scan this for me? Well, yeah, as long as you take me out for a ride in your bike... Ok, he said. Fair enough, innit? ;D Thing is that he left and i couldn't even tell him i was leaving for a month. So i texted him... To put it into a nutshell, i became very very clear about what i wanted, and he told me he was out of the city. Ever since, we have texted each other every some days.

Last time he did, he wrote sth like yeah, going with my family for holidays and also with my girlfriend for a week. I’m sure he didn’t add NOTE the girlfriend part because it would have been too long for a text message. Sounds kindda childish, doesn’t it? So i answered a whole month at the beach because my son will enjoy it more. Square. He never answered back.

See? Guess that’s why i prefer men in their fortyish... they go more like yeah, my wife is not home this week end, shall we meet? =D

Aand that’s why i’ll never ever marry.

(At least a man in his fortyish... i’ll marry a man in his twentyish when i’ll be fifty!! – am i not funny? :D)

But i just broke two main rules: never say never ever and don’t state you'll never do something because no matter what, you can end up doing things you could have never pictured yourself doing. And, anyway, i’m just being cynical, as usual... none of this is stricticly true... Though i really think things don’t drop too far from it.

And i won’t marry, by the way.

My coworker said pity he’s got a girlfriend, but, hey, don’t worry – No, i won't, and, anyway, he owns me a ride... we'll see, i don't even care if he's got a girlfriend or not, it's his business. She laughed and said yeah, i haven't seen you for some days and just forgot... then hear you say sth like this and remember to whom i am talking...

Family and other crap

Let me tell you a little story...

There was this guy. Young, blond, tall, blue eyes, handsome, or so it seems. He met a girl, they had a relationship, a baby came. Then they broke the relationship, he met another girl, and another baby came. The relationship got broken before he knew she was pregnant; he had the perfect excuse when one day he got a letter with a picture of a cute little blonde boy, this is your son, in case u might be interested, and this is our address, just in case... he didn’t seem to be interested. He broke the letter, together with the picture. A bit later, he moved to another city. He got engaged to another woman. Life’s ironies, they couldn't have children for a long time; seems that his sperm had become lazy, after so much movement. Nowadays, he has a five-year-old son. Blue eyes. With the first of the three he's got a light contact. Broken for years and rejoined afterwards, it's kindda cordial now, kindda once a month we phone, well, maybe, or email, or text. With the second one, nothing at all. Don’t know him, but i don’t even know the name or where he lives. The third child is living with him and everything. So here u have three very different ways of having a child represented in an only person.

And i wonder.

I wonder why, i wonder how... (just another lemon tree?) I wonder how this can happen, i wonder how he can sleep at night, i wonder why the fuck can he say (even think!) that he knows about having a child older than the one he’s living with, i wonder why should i give that little blue-eyed boy, that obviously is not to be blamed for anything, more importance than to the other blond boy whose picture was so easily discarded. Or so it seems. Are they not exactly the same? Are we not exactly the same, all of us, we humans? Obviously not. It all depends on luck. Lucky we were born where we were born, when we were born and surrounded by whom we are surrounded, the ones that have stuck... in an ample sense...

I use to call him excuse me.