Sometimes I feel out of everything. Sometimes I am a little negative and then my life is frustrating and even though I know that statistically I can still do many many things, I feel I never will. Some other times, though, I feel I keep walking. Towards something, the life I want, the person I want to be, the mother I want to become, the professional I’d like to… well, you know. And I don’t really know if I will ever start travelling again, if I will ever have money, basically. Don’t really know anything, starting right now, am I strong enough? Can I stand here and stay here like that frozen princess that even being Disney hits a fucking point? Don’t really know. Will I withdraw? Wouldn’t it be far easier if I would?
I guess this is a bit kind of a transition. Maybe if I hadn’t started… could live fine, even very well… But going back now feels like tying myself in a knot, like losing myself again and forever (it always feels like forever anyway).
And, in many ways and fields, I find myself trying to find “peers”, I mean it’s like I needed someone’s backup, somebody else saying that what I feel is right, that I am not a crazy… don’t know, whore or sth (not that I care about that), or maybe emotionally impeded or whatever my “disorder” can relate to. And in truth, I don’t think I have a problem, and if I analyze it, I know there are as many points of view as there are people on the earth. Which means nothing, by the way. But, again, analytically I know there’s no wrong feeling, there’s no misconception of life, emotions, relations… And still… I keep trying to find someone’s backup. I agree, don’t worry, you’re not alone, you’re not that weird, it’s not that bad.