Friday, June 26, 2015

another saturday night

I felt so tired that I just laid down and fall asleep within seconds. I felt the door opening, and smelled her close and felt her eyes fixed on my hair, like in a dream. Her uneasiness, her breathing. I turned my head and opened my eyes just a little bit. Wasn’t sure whether I was really dreaming. She was there, and I smiled and closed my eyes again. I really was very tired. She sat on the edge of the bed, looking at me, grabbing her hands like trying to keep them under control. I curled up around her body, my head on one side, my knees on the other, and she breathed deeply and released her hands and relaxed…

I dreamt of her caressing, kissing me and we making love close to the sea, sounds of waves and all incorporated, and then woke again, maybe two or three minutes had elapsed but it felt like much more and I fondled her back slightly… after all, we had just had sex so it was like natural. Her eyes smiled.

I turned, facing up, giving her space, just in case. She run a finger between my breasts and I trembled. I felt her confidence then, her playful smile, her steady hands… and it was I who trembled. 

Friday, April 10, 2015


Sometimes I feel out of everything. Sometimes I am a little negative and then my life is frustrating and even though I know that statistically I can still do many many things, I feel I never will. Some other times, though, I feel I keep walking. Towards something, the life I want, the person I want to be, the mother I want to become, the professional I’d like to… well, you know. And I don’t really know if I will ever start travelling again, if I will ever have money, basically. Don’t really know anything, starting right now, am I strong enough? Can I stand here and stay here like that frozen princess that even being Disney hits a fucking point? Don’t really know. Will I withdraw? Wouldn’t it be far easier if I would?

I guess this is a bit kind of a transition. Maybe if I hadn’t started… could live fine, even very well… But going back now feels like tying myself in a knot, like losing myself again and forever (it always feels like forever anyway).

And, in many ways and fields, I find myself trying to find “peers”, I mean it’s like I needed someone’s backup, somebody else saying that what I feel is right, that I am not a crazy… don’t know, whore or sth (not that I care about that), or maybe emotionally impeded or whatever my “disorder” can relate to. And in truth, I don’t think I have a problem, and if I analyze it, I know there are as many points of view as there are people on the earth. Which means nothing, by the way. But, again, analytically I know there’s no wrong feeling, there’s no misconception of life, emotions, relations… And still… I keep trying to find someone’s backup. I agree, don’t worry, you’re not alone, you’re not that weird, it’s not that bad. 

Monday, April 6, 2015


I can’t think properly now. I feel my head is full of sex of a very wide variety. How can anyone just think in such a condition? Cos it is a condition. 

Now go talk about abstinence. Go say it’s very healthy and crap like that. 

Yeah, very funny. 

Monday, January 19, 2015

Too late to choose talking frog?

I fucking hate Mondays. I pretty much fucking hate life by now. It’s so unfair for M… I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I’d just bury my head somewhere and hope a bulldozer passes by. Sounds like I’d kill myself, but no. I’d let sb kill me… Joking

This week-end has been a nightmare. I'm totally shaken and just don't know what to do. I wonder what's worse, what's best, but... 

I can't think of anything funny for closing.

Monday, January 5, 2015