Monday, September 29, 2014

New life, old life


I don’t believe in “forever”. And it is simply a matter of sanity. It scares me, the sense of “eternity”.

Whenever the issue comes up, we usually talk about the fear of void, ending, stuff like that… survival of species taken to extremes. And I agree, can see that, understand that fear, I empathize with that feeling, and know that many people are really afraid of disappearing just like that and then nothing.

But what I think is… what’s the alternative? I mean, if I don’t rot and end of story… Then I keep being myself for ever. Thinking. Let’s give some credit to stories of our cultures. No body. Mind, and no body. Sorry, soul. And no body – no sex. No sex but a lot of thinking. Man, doesn’t it sound awful?? I know I’m weird, but it seems plain to me. And no sleeping, too! Gosh, how could that be sane in any possible scenery?
Plenty of time to think and rethink and, say, observe. Sounds like fun.

To be honest, that scares me. If I have too much thinking, I go crazy. I feel I’d better kill myself. So that is really why I don’t believe there is nothing after this real earthly life. I don’t buy any extreme joy, happiness for ever, peaceful feeling spreading over your soul. I don’t know everybody else, but I don’t think could be happy and so for a long time, you know, I can’t help thinking and if I can’t do anything it has to be very frustrating, and frustrating is not a synonym for peaceful, is it?

So no forevers for me, thanks.

Not here and now, not later on.

I think I already said that I am a serial monogamous just out of socialization and maybe because I was young and not very wise when I started living. If I had the chance to restart with the knowledge I have now, I’d do very differently. But that’s life. You start young, and then you learn, and then it’s late.

I don’t mean I regret what I have done. I do regret what I haven’t done, but that’s another issue. It’s more like… I might regret how I did it… I might change that. Abiding by social standards, being so limited inside… So afraid, so dependent. Serial monogamous…

I know it’s never too late. I know I can still do so many things, I could even change my whole life, turn it upside down if I would. If I would. Then collateral damages would arise. Not for me. I am not scared for myself any more. Well, that’s so not true, but it sounded great. I am working on that. I am not that scared for myself any more, now I am scared for other reasons. Because if I decided to die, suffering wouldn’t be mine. If I decided to run away… how could i? How could I separate my children from their family, how could I take them away, uproot them, their school, how could I find a school I feel comfortable with, how could I take them to a school I don’t feel comfortable with… And I didn’t say anything about the obvious… In fact, this is really nothing compared to how could I hurt them so much. In any case. Not even fleeing.

So even if it is never too late… Is it really possible?


In a way, I feel I have changed so much that I might be a very different person, but I can’t know, because I won’t get rid of my old skin, how could I, it’s too dangerous and the collateral damages would be far too great to be really considered. 

Thursday, September 18, 2014

lost

Feel so fucking guilty right now. Not that it is going to be of use… I guess I have to start doing sth differently. I realized, right now, just like that, that I have stopped doing things that I consider basic for the education of my children just because. Just because my partner expressed he didn’t like them, just because I didn’t want to argue, just because I didn’t mean to offend or upset or bother him. Just because… And my eyes filled with tears.
I am too sensitive, lately. I am about to burst into tears every minute or two. And I just want to disappear or die or sth that implies to stop abruptly. I think if I didn’t have my children I would have fled very, very far away quite a long time ago. I want to get out of this fucking circus.
And I really feel I have no options. I am like, don’t know, annulated? Put my poker face and keep going. But filled of an irrational rage that splatters around from time to time, and this is hurting people I love.

I am at a loss.

Going through an existential something?


I’d like to just try to figure out who I really am now. 

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Destruction

J’avais telle besoin de tout d├ętruire que je l’ai fait, sans y penser.


Et… maintenant… je ne sais plus qui je suis.

Monday, September 8, 2014

guilty dreams

It is frustrating, and I know it’s not even fair… But in a way, I guess I feel life is kind of over… I mean… no more traveling, no more new experiences, no more new tastes, new bodies, new adventures… I feel like a very old person, alive just through memories. And now I’m being unfair once again… My children are very rewarding, I love being with them, watching them grow, everyday, their occurrences, the way they see the world… It is enriching. But I miss, don’t know… that moment when I was feeling down, fed up… and I could plan my next adventure. Not very far, not even very adventurous… Just going away from daily shit, from daily routine. Just dreaming about it. Now I feel guilty even when dreaming. 

Monday, September 1, 2014

Fucking positive

Trying to be positive, that’s what I’m doing. Not very good at, but trying anyway.

Try to erase some comments from your brain (not friends…), some feelings from your heart, some tiredness from your eyes, and there you go, try.

I am lucky (that’s a new mantra), I have to take advantage of this situation. I want to be somewhere else but anyway I can do many things here. I can. Yes. I can manage.

Look at me, I am being positive. Are you not proud?


Make a happy face, use your happy voice, and you’ll be closer to happiness. Yippee!