Little stinky

Hey, did i tell u that we are three now?? And i’m not talking about the little ball growing inside me (we shall wait some six months in order to see it grow – what the fuck, don’t they know the longer the easier to name them? and then you’re lost... we shall wait... for what? for it to develop eyes? – And best of all is the assertion: i’m sure you don’t have any symptoms, it’s too small, may be just casual. Yeah, i bet it is). The newcomer is a ferret! Last day i quick-emailed a good friend: hey!! congratulations for your new home! Know what? we have a ferret now! Have to go, xxxx. U know, the kind of thing u do when u have like three spare seconds. His answer was something very similar to: Yeah, u have to come visit. Honey, aren’t ferrets dangerous? hey, i might be mistaken, but... He really seemed worried :) but ferrets are not much more dangerous than cats, in fact. Sharper teeth, yeah, probably. Try to keep your fingers out of their mouth and... solved! =D

It’s sooo very cute, he jumps, runs and hides alternatively, looks back and seems to be about to say can’t catch me, can’t catch me!!! Ok, true, it stinks... But apart from that, c’est génial!!! I’ll put some clothespins next to the door, in case anybody can’t stand it...

Sounding stupid...

This castle in the air happens to be tall, very tall. Attractive and charming, enfolding like the clouds. Sure of himself, talkative, flavoured with a very intelligent touch of humour. So very natural that everything seems really easy. Funny, comfortable, serious though not quite... impossible with those sparkles in the eyes. Thundery voice, double surround system, that can be so private and sweet, so erotic. Castle in the air, sure is not mine, and i don't want him to be. He is so his that i want to be mine. And share his everything from time to time. Mmm, what about tomorrow?

About castles and clouds

Somebody said once something like have you been building castles in the air? good, they are exactly where they should be, now go lay the foundations.

The general feeling of the week-end is that of being in a dream. But full of colour, taste, touch, so real and earthly, so fulfilling... simply brilliant in the most ample sense.

I’ve always loved building castles in the air, but the occasions when i had actually laid their foundations are very rare. Mostly because many of the times i like them exactly the way they are: floating. I like that dizzy feeling, vertigo. Also because i like moving from one to another, no need for a bunch of boxes to be filled with (mainly) crap. And because dreams are so very important that living off with the fairies from time to time should be mandatory, at least for some of us.

Last few months i’ve been starting to lay foundations to one of my firsts castles i remember of. Last two or three weeks much more consciously. I have had some help, i must say. Collaboration is always basic ;)

Sometimes, laying foundations means letting them become real enough to be potentially broken any time soon. They could catch fire any minute (watched The Pillars of the Earth? I didn’t finish, breaks were far too long and interesting, though we did our best) and crumble before your eyes.

Sometimes, laying foundations is like living in a dream. But real. With its colours, smells, feelings... enfolding with a dizziness coming from the inside.

Sometimes it happens to be both.

Let me tell you something: i feel so happy that there is a stupid smile all over my face. Thing is right now, the fact that it’s being a dream for so long is the less important by far. It may have been a boost, but immediately transformed. Into a stupid smile, i guess. Into a current dream, real and palpable. Into a vulnerable me, strong in my accessibility. I am not floating, nor being foolish or dreamy. Still, this is fucking good.

It’s taken me time, but it’s good to feel that being myself is not that scary, it can even work. That feeling and enjoying and showing what i am is not that dangerous. Information is power, of course. So please choose the right ears. But feeling comfortable... home... just as calm as excited... mmm, delicious. Rum punch =D

Bitch

I hate the world today...

All i have to do is dream...

I feel lost. Can’t find anything that reflects my feelings, and i swear i have heard like a thousand songs today. Ok, i may be exaggerating a tiny little bit, but have heard loads of songs. Fifties, eighties, nineties, soul, pop, rock, no matter what. But for heavy; no heavy today. And i have listened to meredith brooks’ bitch like twenty times (i mean it!). I guess it gets close. Changeable? me? oh, please...

Seems that i have to find a job right now. I mean another... those nice two women working in the hr department are planning to suck me soon. So i better go before they do. Thing is i don’t know where... don’t know what to do with my life, don’t know what i want, or what i like. I do not feel like waking up in the morning, in fact. I’d stay in bed all day long. And it wouldn’t make any change.

A friend of mine said,not long ago, that we are not 22 anymore, and we should be closer to know what the fuck we want, closer to what we actually want. Talking about work, am i closer than when i was 22? not in the least, i’m afraid. The only real difference is that i am much more conscious about the fact that it’s getting urgent...

I remember being in my early twenties. It wasn’t that different... or was it? well, maybe it was... I was studying, most of the time working too, and sure it was hard, sure the exams drove me mad, sure three or four months a year i was stuck at home, glued to the computer and stuff like that. But the rest of the time... hehehe... aaand there’s the summer holidays issue too: two to three months, do what you want, go where you please and manage to work there... I know studying is hard, and i’m not trying to underestimate it. I remember thinking oooff, this is crap, can’t stand it any more... i remember i wanted to start working, real life, u know... Seems i’m never satisfied. Seems i had an idealized idea of “real world”. Fuck it.

Now i’m not 22 anymore i’m older, but also wiser. I do many things i wouldn’t have dreamt of, and i’m pretty happy with myself, so much more than i used to, in any case. I don’t know. Would i go back to my early twenties? I know for sure i wouldn’t go back to my teens, but having 22 again is tempting, can’t hide it =)

Anyway, as i said, i do feel more and more comfortable with myself, and also with my age. It is enriching, growing up ;) And i wouldn’t change so many things of my current life so i guess i could not possibly go back to be 22 that way...

Talking about twenties... when i was twenty, i met a guy in his forties. He was next to my first boyfriend... well, second (after the one that looked much better dressed that naked, thick dick and all). He was a boss in the company i worked for at that moment, and the day before leaving the job i sent him an email. He happened to be quite unstable, depressive (now i think of it, probably almost every men i have been with has been depressive... bad bad bad), not tall, not very handsome... ooofff, sounds awful, doesn’t it? He had something, though. He was kind of adorable. Anyway, i was going abroad for the summer, and i told him i didn't want anything serious till i came back. He was not supposed to be phoning every two hours to tell me any stupid thing that could have crossed his mind. The day he asked me to tell him i loved him, then urged me to do so, then kept insisting on it, i realized i was wrong, so wrong. Again. Didn’t pick up the phone ever since, till i came back. By the way, i didn't tell him i loved him, because i didn't. Fortunately i didn't give him time enough... now i really think he was a little bit... insane... And going on with my exes, i got involved with a guy (whose name i don’t remember) that had everything: he was kind, nice, handsome, he had money, a great job, a pretty good house, he was attractive (though a bit short)... good in bed... i don’t know why i didn’t like him, in fact. Maybe because he was not depressive and weird, maybe because he was handsome or had so many good things... but the fact is that i got kind of bored the first morning. We kept meeting for a whole week, but i new it was about to finish. When i left i didn’t even give him my mobile phone #, or my email address. I never knew anything else about him. But every time i watch Nemo i remember lying on his carpet, watching that huge screen, eating popcorn and drinking good wine, laughing insanely and feeling his eyes glued on me. He was good.

Strike two

I used to be very big. Much taller than the other kids at school. And strong. When i was three going on four i started ballet. Not that i wanted to. It was the only thing i could do, being so small. I hated it. I had to go on for three months, then quitted. Next year i started judo. That suited me more. But i was not supposed to hurt anybody. I was not supposed to use it out of the classes. I was to be a good girl. I was one.

When i was about ten three or four boys were walking some steps ahead of me on the street. I think they were smaller than myself, though at least one of them was probably older. But the younger one was very, very young. He grabbed my hair and pulled, so i smiled, lift him from the ground just holding his arm. I didn't think the others could behave the way they did, and couldn't even imagine another way of behaving myself, facing such a strange situation, everybody smaller than myself and with a very young kid. But the others saw i didn't defend myself, so they attacked. Next thing i know i was lying on the floor. It felt like a very long time passed and a woman finally shouted out to them to let me go. I think i run back all the way, crying. They really hurt me (and my pride, gosh =D)

I didn’t tell anybody but my mother, because she was there and happened to be the “safe place” back then. I just didn’t talk about it and simply forgot it. Remembered it a long time later, casually. It still feels kind of uncomfortable.

The other day i exposed my doubts about the subject to a friend i really trust. The direction he took seems good to me: never hit, but defend yourself. I think i’ll note it down.

Much better than the opinion of this late relative ;) of mine: he happened to have taught his nephew how to hit. That’s the only way they wouldn’t be pissed off, he maintained. I don’t agree. I cannot help being against. I won’t teach my son how to hit. But i have to admit it could be useful...

Strike first

Maybe i was wrong there, maybe somebody should have taught us how to hit. Always strike first, and the hardest the better. If they don’t move again, they won’t hurt you anymore. Like in that book. This is the jungle, baby. And now i wonder what should i tell my son. As far, i stick to the old you shall not hit. The other day there was a little boy, older than mine, playing with a balloon around. He started hitting my son with the balloon, and when my son hit him, i told him that. Don’t hit anybody. But the boy went on hitting him hard (as hard as a balloon can be, it did not hurt him), and he looked at me, half blankly, half helpless, what can i do, he seemed to ask me. I told him not to play with people who hurt him after he’d told them not to do it. Get off them, i said. They’re just stupid. But next time the boy hit him and he hit back, i looked elsewhere and pretended not to have seen anything. Not very coherent, am i? Next time i rose i approached that kid and told him something like never ever hit this boy here, do u hear me? Slightly menacing ^-^ I don’t want my kid to hit, but if i pretend him to come tell me when he’s got a problem, i better show him i actually do something on the matter... besides, i’m a female mammal, mother and everything, what else can be more instinctive that showing my claws? =) After all, you know what being a bit of a lioness is like...

A bit of everything

Lately i have run into several really good books.

One of them i was rereading it. And i didn’t finish it. I don’t mean i didn’t really finish it... truth is, from time to time, i read the end before time (and at that moment sometimes i lose interest and just stop reading...), so i already knew what was gonna happen... but this time i liked it so much, and what happened was that i didn’t want it to be finished. So i started reading veeery slowly, just some pages in a row, then some phrases, then... just left it there, by my side, kindda handy, just in case, some half a page still to be read...
t was sad, very sad. You could be laughing all the time throughout the book, but there was always that bitter taste deep inside, just like when you laugh with a joke about dead people or when Roberto Benini is making faces for his son not to get too spattered by all the shit covering that beautiful life. You know it is sad. It’s just the way it is told.
I think this is one of my favourite books. Anagrams.

The second one is not that good, from my point of view, but it’s got really good phrases, and a very special way of writing. It’s all about a young man that decides not to get out of his room again. He prefers living out of the music he’s got, the lyrics of rock are a far much better school than rough and painful life itself. And better examples, too. He keeps talking and talking to himself, not making a lot of sense most of the times, or, at least, leaving everything very open for interpretations.
Its prose's got sth, either you hate it or love it, i guess... Like one of my teachers at university. I loved him. I used to have a boyfriend back then, but still i would have had sex with him. I mean that i would have quitted that boyfriend i had; i don't like being unfaithful, weird as it may sound coming from me =) But i can’t help it; i like men when i got absorbed by what they say (or sing, i love singers), no matter how ugly they may be, i can get to see sth special, even physically. This one was not precisely Brad Pitt...
And though i have finished that book, i still feel i haven’t, neither. There was this sentence, saying something like elephants know a lot about courage, you fuckin’ kidding me? they better do, such a big animal has nowhere to hide...

The third one, short randomly chosen stories about almost everything, life and death present all the time. A bit surreal, a bit so real... Feelings out in the open or stuffed into a bubble ready to explode. Tragic and dramatic but never taking delight on that; with the accent slightly placed on the bright side. Very sweet all through the harshness, simple and easygoing. Delicious.

Close your eyes

What a storm... reminds me of so many other storms... if i close my eyes long enough, i can even feel them together with this one. It smells like buildings and sand, today. long thunders come from far away. Big lightenings break the dark sky full of dots of bright lights from other apartments. Great storm from the beginning, when it was but a few lightenings seen trough the clouds, no rain, and the thunders came from even farther away, not easy to distinguish from the sound of the waves of the beach where we were laying flat, enjoying his very first storm at the beach. Hey!! Did you see that?? Did you see that one?! It was biiig!!! He laid on me, his little head on my chest, and then on my belly, and then lets go throw stones to the waves, ok, but hold my hand all the time, it's dark and i dont wanna lose sight of you, it scares me...

It smells faintly of sand and lemon trees... it's a pity there are built things everywhere, the smell is fading so fast...

I remember once, i was a teen, up in a little wooden house made years ago, not really suitable for anybody anymore. Sb shouted i should go back inside, i had to, i must, but i pretended not to hear.

I remember another day, i went into the sea and laid there, water everywhere, thunders at the back of my head, waves going higher and higher. We went out, and sat at the breakwater, looking the sea get mad, sending froth everywhere, lost and never forgiven mermaids that will never be able to walk or see their families again. When i see that white layer disappear slowly from the sand, from the top of the waves, i always remember the real story. Not the sweetened-disney one, but Andersen’s little mermaid, the one that never got to the point of deciding between her lover and her family, because life decided for her: you will become white foam. Seems that in fact she didn’t become foam, but an eternal soul that... whatever. I’ve always been very sceptical, so, for me, she’ll always be on top of the waves, swimming fast, appearing and disappearing over and over again...

The time of my life

Here we are, in hell.

Do you remember Dirty Dancing? Well, this is a bit like that, u know, lots of noise and people everywhere, really, everywhere, packed, pushing each other just because there is no place for everybody to coexist. Loud crappy music, people jumping up and down, streching arms and twisting all together, follow the leader, leader, leader, hey, macarena, ooofff, scary... See? like dirty dancing, but for the hero. No Patrick Swayze that i have seen (true that i tend to avoid organized whateverthing, maybe i should go dance there and feel even more stupid... mmm... no, i think i won’t). So, as i was saying, like dirty dancing, but without patrick swayze, and, in truth, without the good soundtrack and the dancing part... so, in fact... guess this is just dirty, and not even the interesting way of being so...

My mobile phone is on strike, what means that i no longer know what’s the time and am not sure whether the alarm works properly or not. Or if it would. In case i would need it, i mean. Because i’m on holidays, remember? =D Now go say i’m not fucking positive.

And i have no internet...

Anyway, i’m really having the time of my life. Pushing boundaries, making faces, preparing foods in his little brand-new kitchen (there is rice everywhere, by the way), singing songs about pirates, doors and birthdays, reading and re-reading wild things and moons and zebras called camilla. Just brilliant. Sensitive enough to see when his mom is about to become red and explode, sensible enough so as to change his mind as soon as he realizes. Ok, no real need for that little chair, anyway. I’ll leave it where it was. Casual, soothing, like a good joke.

The other day we watched a film. He didn’t get much. Kept asking what’s gonna happen? where is the... robert? dog? whatever it was? where is it? what’s happening? why are they following them? He didn’t even notice they were from another planet, green anthenna and everything. I guess there was no real difference for him; in fact, there was no real difference... Anyway, we got to the point when the hero was taken. Aaand he obviously scaped. And then everybody run away... mum, are they gonna cut his head now? i want to see them cut his head off, i want to, i want to... Definitely, he didn’t really get much... I think we are going back to Nemo, so appropriate, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, he says while he tries to keep his eyes, mouth and nose out of the water in the swimming pool, everything else sinking fast...

Besides, i have never slept as much in my life.

About trains and other stuff

There is a song that says sth like sooner or later you’ll have to learn some things that are not taught at school: seizing the sky with your bare hands, laugh and cry everything you need to say, patching your torn soul, overcoming the fear to be left looking like an idiot... Well, i learnt the last bit recently... I thought ok, either i go right for the yugular or i miss that train... and, my gosh, what a train!

Ad-guy, all smiles, working around... he's got it all... awsomely good looking, bike, good ass, white toothpaste-ad-smile, even seems to be very nice... And there i was, last day before my long and really deserved vacation, almost mad and with a foot already out of the office. He asked me to make him a favour. Hehe, i could have made him two... Please, could you scan this for me? Well, yeah, as long as you take me out for a ride in your bike... Ok, he said. Fair enough, innit? ;D Thing is that he left and i couldn't even tell him i was leaving for a month. So i texted him... To put it into a nutshell, i became very very clear about what i wanted, and he told me he was out of the city. Ever since, we have texted each other every some days.

Last time he did, he wrote sth like yeah, going with my family for holidays and also with my girlfriend for a week. I’m sure he didn’t add NOTE the girlfriend part because it would have been too long for a text message. Sounds kindda childish, doesn’t it? So i answered a whole month at the beach because my son will enjoy it more. Square. He never answered back.

See? Guess that’s why i prefer men in their fortyish... they go more like yeah, my wife is not home this week end, shall we meet? =D

Aand that’s why i’ll never ever marry.

(At least a man in his fortyish... i’ll marry a man in his twentyish when i’ll be fifty!! – am i not funny? :D)

But i just broke two main rules: never say never ever and don’t state you'll never do something because no matter what, you can end up doing things you could have never pictured yourself doing. And, anyway, i’m just being cynical, as usual... none of this is stricticly true... Though i really think things don’t drop too far from it.

And i won’t marry, by the way.

My coworker said pity he’s got a girlfriend, but, hey, don’t worry – No, i won't, and, anyway, he owns me a ride... we'll see, i don't even care if he's got a girlfriend or not, it's his business. She laughed and said yeah, i haven't seen you for some days and just forgot... then hear you say sth like this and remember to whom i am talking...

Family and other crap

Let me tell you a little story...

There was this guy. Young, blond, tall, blue eyes, handsome, or so it seems. He met a girl, they had a relationship, a baby came. Then they broke the relationship, he met another girl, and another baby came. The relationship got broken before he knew she was pregnant; he had the perfect excuse when one day he got a letter with a picture of a cute little blonde boy, this is your son, in case u might be interested, and this is our address, just in case... he didn’t seem to be interested. He broke the letter, together with the picture. A bit later, he moved to another city. He got engaged to another woman. Life’s ironies, they couldn't have children for a long time; seems that his sperm had become lazy, after so much movement. Nowadays, he has a five-year-old son. Blue eyes. With the first of the three he's got a light contact. Broken for years and rejoined afterwards, it's kindda cordial now, kindda once a month we phone, well, maybe, or email, or text. With the second one, nothing at all. Don’t know him, but i don’t even know the name or where he lives. The third child is living with him and everything. So here u have three very different ways of having a child represented in an only person.

And i wonder.

I wonder why, i wonder how... (just another lemon tree?) I wonder how this can happen, i wonder how he can sleep at night, i wonder why the fuck can he say (even think!) that he knows about having a child older than the one he’s living with, i wonder why should i give that little blue-eyed boy, that obviously is not to be blamed for anything, more importance than to the other blond boy whose picture was so easily discarded. Or so it seems. Are they not exactly the same? Are we not exactly the same, all of us, we humans? Obviously not. It all depends on luck. Lucky we were born where we were born, when we were born and surrounded by whom we are surrounded, the ones that have stuck... in an ample sense...

I use to call him excuse me.

discouraging...

Oooff, this is scary... bombs trying to move belts or change its form, whatthefuck... i’m sorry, guys, but cannot help thinking that if that men sitting there and sending all those stupid rockets into the so-very-nice-as-it-is sky would have had a baby in their lap, a toddler on their knees or a real worry about their children, would have not done this ever in their lives. Bombings. Wars. Killings. Would u send your children there? Do they really care about anything but themselves? In Nigeria police is killing pple on the streets. Lie down there. Shoot him in the chest. And brilliant comments to the issue are kind of ok, sure they knew they had done sth wrong, where they terrorist? And everywhere, children on the streets, lost, forgotten, abandoned, used, abused, ill-treated, beaten, eaten...

Living in a child-eating world...

Thought and designed by men, patriarchal society, gods and power are all the same. Saturn Devouring His Son, Abraham going to kill his, father’s authority everywhere and... everything in behalf of an entity (whatever u may call it, society, country, this god or the other... it doesn’t matter, it’s all the same crap) that doesn’t really represent anybody. Not to talk about anybody’s children... Die, die for me, for your country, for your values, a society without values, without my values is bad, bad, are u not scared? reign of terror, don't think, just obey me, i know what i'm talking about. U just don't. Don't even try, u wouldn't understand. Let me explain u... look into my eyes...

Half-moon eyes

This week-end’s been great, simply great.

Getting my present back =) is always charming and sweet, and then going to the seashore (are we there yet? is it far? but very very far? are we there yet? and now? are we there now?) and watching him bath, jump, play, jump, lie down, jump again, let’s make a castle, let’s make a mountain, let’s make a bridge, let’s put some alligators in there, let’s break it all, i want to go sleep now, mom, rubbing his itchy reddish eyes full of salty water... cover me with the towel, please... Are we going to the swimming pool yet?

Frantic activity full of smiles and laughs, half-moon eyes, little hands extended, wait a moment, i’m going down to the swimming pool but will be back in a second, just wait a moment (??!! NOOO, u’re NOT going down by yourself!!). And then, exhausted, the little wolf song, mom, now the one of the train, and Mary Poppins, ok?

This week-end’s been great, absolutely great.

Restless

I’m being sooo stupid... but i can’t help it, just can’t. And what if... and what should i... and, shit, what in hell... Come on! Stop right away! Let’s not jump guns and wait before crossing bridges and all that crap; things are hard enough even if u don’t keep worrying before u know what the fuck is going on! But, hey, that’s me, can’t stop wracking my brain...

Worst part is i don’t know if i’m more worried or thrilled... and that’s bad, that’s so very baaad... Question is not whether i want or not. I do want. But could i? Probably not. And that’s sad.

Should i stay or should i go

‘Tis always hard to say bye, more if u don’t want to, even more if neither of u do. U keep thinking that’s the way it is, u knew from the beginning, anyway it was not gonna work, it never does. U keep telling yourself that’s the right thing to do, we’ll see, who knows, life gives you surprises from time to time. But it is hard to say bye.

That's all about today... Mondays suck, that’s what i can say about it. After a great week-end here it comes, right across your face: reality. While going down to earth yesterday and listening to the long-forgotten music i happened to have in my car, i was feeling very sad.

It’s being long, huh? Can’t help it, just can’t... I’m not gonna say i had loads of things to do, because it is definitely not true, at all. It goes more like i don’t feel like doing anything, not even thinking. I’m going to keep going and let’s see where it takes.

I had two friends coming from quite far and a bit farther, staying three days and almost one week, not at the same time. Good, innit? Truth is u don’t realise how much u can miss sb till u finally get to meet him/her again; then, when u hug, talk incessantly at first, get quiet and just thoughtful at times, go for a beer, look at each other and all that stuff, that’s when u realise. And the moment they go and u feel how comfortable has felt to have them close...

I went to the beach one day (things-to-do list). Met a guy there, very young, in fact. Well, thing is i’m used to older guys, so everybody else seems so very young... Feels good to know that u may still b attractive for sb young and hot =) mostly when, lately, the only thing i can think of in front of the mirror is how very old i look. I know it’s not exactly true, i know i’m not old at all, and everything, but just can’t help it. Nothing happened but for some kissing and touching here and there. Still, i may go back one day, he even rings from time to time! ;D

Vomiting

I wonder when things became so confusing. I know there is always a point where, though u do remember what happened, just cannot recall how it did. U don't recognize yourself in that person that decided whatever u decided, and u can't even thing of what in hell brought u to take that decision. Why did u fall in love with that guy, why didn’t u leave when it was so obvious it was about time, why did u come here and didn't go there, why, why, why. Wondering and puzzled, not really regretful.

Every time i feel that way, i feel like vomiting.
My whole life is like vomiting. Vomiting what i think, what i feel or what i need. Cannot communicate properly, just vomit. I feel like vomiting, soothing and relaxing, just like i feel like disappearing, hiding my head under my wing, i wish i had wings, flying away, high, very high, burning my wings and falling.
And i almost can’t remember why i shouldn’t. But for the headache.

It’s like a boyfriend you quitted long ago. U don’t really remember why u stopped anymore, or just vaguely, so u start wondering what if i tried again. Then there is that very sour taste in your lips and suddenly u remember everything. But u know you’re bound to forget again, and to keep wondering why shouldn’t i for the rest of your life.

Bubble shooting

Not fair. I ate no fucking apple, why in hell am i punished, then?? I want to go back home and sleep, or not... just don’t wanna be here!!!

Truth is i am to blame... Thursday had a long, long night that in fact doesn’t seem to be quite finished. I slept like one hour, so if i don’t sound coherent or just sober, it’s just because i am not. So hard to try to hit the right key... or to think...

So here i am, now, bubble shooting not to fall asleep. What a good girl am i, huh?

Pity i had to work today, otherwise we would have gone to the beach for a day or two, rain is always better at the sea side! Anyway, these last couple of days have been absolutely great, like being a teen again. Last time i thought about getting a car and driving to the coast straight away at five in the morning i was probably about nineteen or twenty. Bathing with the first sun rays, oranges and reddish spreading all over the mirror-like surface of the sea; just delightful.

Last time i actually did it was with a guy i dated for a short while after my first boyfriend. I remember his name only because of an ad, and know that he was older than me... around seven or nine years, probably... He was better looking dressed than naked. Quite handsome, but short; long, blond hair, deep blue eyes that got me charmed for at least two weeks ;) chemicals play dirty, but most of the times don’t last long. I didn’t want anything serious, and he was not serious at all. He had been with almost half of the office (female part) so it seemed like a good option. I didn’t like him in bed (ugh!!) He said he had fallen in love with me. I think his chemicals where just a bit longer-lasting than mines. I quitted the job shortly after that, and never saw him again. He was quite funny, a bit too funny sometimes, basically a good guy. Nothing interesting or remarkable, in fact, apart that week-end on the beach...

Pity i didn’t repeat. I will add that to my things-to-do list...

Pieces of shit

Why in hell do i want him so much, i wonder...

He’s not... dunno, nothing. Not handsome, not hot, not even tall... But gosh he is fucking attractive to me... He wins me over just by winking. Can’t help it...

Here is one of my (many) problems: i melt when a guy looks at me in a certain way. I already said that i don’t know how to say NO when it comes to it. As i said that i’m not consistent with my own decisions. I guess that’s all related to that little melting problem.

When i was younger and far less sensible, i thought it was about time to have a boyfriend or something. So i met a guy at high school and there u go, two years later i thought that it was about time to fly by myself.

He was nice, sweet and good looking (though not my type of good looking; too fair and childish). And now that i think of it, he may have not been that sweet... But i don’t remember many things about anything anymore, so i just couldn’t say...
He was five years older than me and looked like my younger brother. We lived together for a while. His habits were a bit too much for what i was used to. He tried to stop smoking because of the money, but he transformed into a mean bastard and we were living in a twenty meters studio, so the situation became quite unbearable and we decided that he’d better keep on smoking (please). This being not his only habit, i got used to many things like having a piece of shit the size of a tray, sniffing coke by the sea or hanging around with people that (ab)used drugs and alcohol every few days. I got tired of all this. Never really understood much of their behaviour, but, even if i didn’t join them most of the times, just seemed to be the way... don’t know...

One day everything seemed very clear. It was over.

Goldfishes and more

I know i am like a goldfish. Fishes, by the way, don’t have a 5 seconds memory, but a 5 months one. So go around saying it doesn’t matter, they won’t remember that i stuck a prickle in its throat, you see, haha, doesn’t matter anyway...

It does matter. In fact we, goldfishes, remember very clearly every little detail, every little prickle, till five months later. Then we erase it from our memories, so that they are clean and ready-to-use again.

I barely have memories from my childhood or my teens.

That’s why i have decided to make a draft about my lovers, so that i won’t forget any of them in the coming years.

I will start at the very beginning. Don’t worry, i started late... She was older than i was by then. She was even older than i am now. There’s not much to say. She had a kind of girlfriend, defined herself as bisexual and told me not to fall in love with her, which i didn’t. Afterwards, she’d send me a letter saying that coward love doesn’t get to be anything, that u have to take risks in your life, that... As for me, i didn’t have anything close to a boy- or girlfriend, i didn’t define myself (still don’t do it) and was just experimenting. When she told me not to fall in love with her i said great, don’t you fall in love with me and everything will be ok. She said she wouldn’t. I was just experimenting and she was older and wiser, but for a long time i felt really guilty for not falling in love, for the fact that she did, for not really wanting more. I didn’t even get my towel back. I own my aunt a towel ever since, that i haven’t forgotten. I didn’t even answer that painful letter. I never do.

She was nice, sweet and smooth. I didn’t like her kisses, but the massages were great.

Feeling home

My neck aches, wonder why...

Lying against a naked body is like being home. Passing your fingers through the hair in the chest, breathing so close to the skin that you can feel the down moving next to your lips, barely touching one side, up and down, awaiting the shiver, shivering yourself with the contact of his fingers on your middle back, and lower... Experienced feelings that every time feel so comfortably new...

Lately i have been discovering things about people i already knew.

For example, there is this guy at my workplace. He can talk. No, no, i mean it. I’ve been working here for more than half a year, now (far too long!!!) and i’m even familiar with some of them. With him, i had never been able to talk for more than two seconds. Hi – hi. And those days he was feeling quite talkative... We were in nodding terms, basically. But last week we parked at the same time, so we walked to the office together... talking! Amazing... He may have assisted that course, Communicating With Your Co-workers, or maybe How to Make Friends on a Rainy Day. The last handed out huge umbrellas for three people just in case u find somebody to talk to, so he had one in his car. Hey, useful. Ever since, we are in nodding terms again.

Another example is a friend of mine, a distant cousin, in fact. He bites.

And there is this point about myself that i already knew but has come to feel so close this week end. I am not consistent with my own decisions. Not at all... Well, maybe the thing is that my own decisions, from time to time, can be quite flexible... I like being flexible, u know? can be pretty useful.

Did i say that i HATE Mondays? Gosh, i feel seized up and giddy (maybe because of the allergy; i’m allergic to this job). So sorry if i’m being boooring, that’s because i’m sooo booored...

Chocolate

U know what? I don’t wanna know if my face looks like shit. I mean, don’t wanna be told so, sure i’ll know, nobody needs to tell me TWICE. Did u get chicken pox? no. Wow, so those over there are zits? seems so. Hey, what have u been doing? mind your own business, u fucking asshole. Ok, i didn’t say the last bit, but i swear that’s exactly what i meant with my best fuck-u-smile. Eating chocolate, i’ve been eating chocolate.

I’m just tired. Exhausted... May have something to do with the fact that yesterday i had dance class and when i finished i had a whole mess of a kitchen and then shower and then arrange the living room and then... hell, i need a cigarette!!!! i’ll phone my best friend =D When i finally went to bed and was starting to fall asleep... somebody wants some water. And two hours later, some more. And, last but not least, at ten to six. So no more sleep for today... Maybe that’s why i’m tired... and when i’m tired i need caffeine AND chocolate...

Truth is i have to cut down on eating chocolate. Ok, got it. But here she comes again, with a big smile: sure u didn’t catch chicken pox?

I try not to be mean. I do, really. But at that point, and only thinking to myself, can i be exempted? Sorry, i just can’t help thinking hey, speaking of this, what about your big ass? (batting eyelashes) gym being of any use? =D

Bureaucracy

How could i make such a great mistake. I wonder.

I never feel like writing the pronoun that refers to myself in capital letters. I. But least of all, today. Right now i feel like crap. I just realized how big my mistake was. Like god. I won't write it in capital letters as long as it refers to sb that may consider him/herself perfect and still keep its newborn non-baptized creatures in limbo just because of a rough missing paperwork. Or it used to before the almighty spokesman (not person) pope abolished that hellish place. Wonder where did every little soul as far captive there went at that point. Did he get to mention that little issue? I’ll check up. And keeps trying to have everybody noted down in books and confessed before deciding about his/her goodness, despite its own omnipotence. Fucking bureaucracy. Wouldn’t use capitals.

Now... i decided to have a baby with him (my ex, not the pope or god...). He, who has shown to be such an egocentric and immature person. How the fuck did he seem a good choice by then? Was i egocentric and immature enough not to realize? Was i fooled or blinded by love or any other stupid thing like that? Is that only an excuse? Senseless.

So many men fighting to be able to see his own kids more often, to have "the half of them he is entitled by law"... and mine fights back not to see the best little kid ever quite as much. Not to talk to me when that sweet boy is having such a bad time just to try to make things easier for him. I don't care if he doesn't want to talk to me, really. But i swear deep inside i burst into tears when i see my son rejected like that. U raise him by yourself, then. That's gotta be hard to hear from your father's lips when you are two and a half.

Later on i actually burst into tears, once my son is in bed, under the jet of the shower. I didn't even say will u sign that? I'm not scathing till it's too late. And besides i don't talk like that in front of my kid, so it's better that such a comment didn't come to my imagination. I would have poisoned myself on biting my lips. I was just left there, at the open door, feeling so small, so helpless.

He was smiling. It hurt all the more for that. I can't help but thinking that he was enjoying it. But maybe he was just too tense and couldn't think of a better face to offer. I still believe he's not such a bad guy. But, heavens, i do think he seems so!! Is it simply that he hates me and wants me to suffer? He did tell me once that he was starting to hate me. I could understand that, but thing is he is not hurting me, he is hurting my son. Sure that hurts me. Is it worthy? Hurting your son just to see your ex's pain?

Really, i just don't get it. Guessing doesn't take me anywhere and i'm still at a loss...

Bullshit

I read a book the other day. On the back cover there was sth like a brilliant story that makes u feel alive; i love this book; a hymn to life and human values... Bullshit.

I hate happy endings when they don’t go along with the rest of the story. More if those happy endings mean that u have to find sb to share ur fucking lonely life, otherwise u wouldn’t be... what?! Are we just half a sth? What a shitty conclusion... Do we really need to end up with somebody?

In my parallel lives i can be whoever i want wherever i want whenever i want. I was thinking i was left to myself in a deserted island (tropic and heavenly, it’s understood...) with my son and, let’s say, six or seven people, one of them, of course, THE MAN. Sooo conventional... Picture that: tall, dark, deep black eyes, strong, great body and... no bike there, pity... am i sounding too superficial? sorry... he has to be interesting and everything, too, a citizen of the world, sensitive, etc. Ok, now lets say we are there for a while. Then, we would be found, for sure. I mean, not in the wildest waking dream could u think of not being found at the end... nowadays, navigation routes go everywhere, don’t they? But in the meanwhile we even had a child, probably... Sooo... we are found and so what? would we live together? excuse me, but a fucking island is opposite to reality, i mean, where the hell would we establish? there’s no need to answer such a question in that deserted island. On the tree or under it? would be the closest. And then, go back after quite a while and try to live with yourself and your children in an apartment again. No more heavenly island. My parallel lives try to be consistent, u know.

So either i end up in a deserted island and never found or alone. Ok, maybe living in a huge house with many, many rooms and bathrooms and people who'd clean everything and cook, as they are there (hey, well paid, huh?), maybe, just maybe that could help me living with a guy. But i'm not really sure about that. Hehe, i could try living in such a house, though...

Conclusion: the book was crap. A bunch of self-help tips nice enough, not very badly written, easy reading, simple and a bit stupid, but well, who isn't... and at the end... screwed up. Pity. I would have killed the main character. That’s why i’m not a writer, too bloody ;)

Mary had a little lamb

When i was about six we went to a restaurant in a village. Before having lunch, the owner took us to a little back yard and told me, rather “father-christmastly”, choose one, dear! There were plenty of little white lambs, sooo cute, and i said, full of hope, wow, will we take it home, mum?? Obviously, that was not exactly what that guy meant.

I don’t need to say that i didn’t eat but the starters.

This week-end i had a regression. Somebody said we bought five rabbits and when i was about to say wow, five, in less than four months they’ll throw you out of your house! another somebody spoke first (saving my reputation): do you think it’s going to be enough? and when they started talking about weights i finally got it. Pity, i was decided to ask them to give me a little one... I’ll go back to the idea of having a turtle...

I hate Mondays, by the way. I don't understand why they're still in capitals...

TGIF

My goodness, today i feel like when you desperately need to have a pee and then arrive home and run all the way to the toilet while u pull off your trousers and underwear and, hell, it’s always too far, no matter for how long u have been holding it, because u could have never held it any longer...

Friday... i swear i couldn’t have endured it any longer...

Puzzled

Do u like puzzles? I don’t.
But they are good for developing, brain stuff and all that crap... Guess who ends up doing them when they are all scattered on the floor? ME. And solving puzzles that are thought for people of about three or four years of age is not really a challenge...

What IS a challenge is to fix a book after my son’d chewed it. A real challenge. I have to say that, in fact, that’s not happened frequently ever since he was 6 months old. But the other day i left him reading a book and when i came back he was actually chewing bits of it. He is old enough to know that's not the best way to use a book, but didn't seem much disturbed, anyway. I think i kind of overreacted at that point. Books are quite sacred for me... Holy shit!! what the hell are u doing?? I may have shouted, my eyes big and fixed. If i had to put 20p every time i swear, i wouldn’t last to the end of the month in a million years. Didn’t add you little rascal because by then i was not rereading Sherlock Holmes yet. Jesus Christ, don’t u see that books tell us stories and... Harmless, they are harmless. I didn’t add that. Just muttered sth like they cry, books, if u hurt them. Kind of dirty play, i know, but couldn’t make up anything better and fast, and a park-mate recently told me his mum used to say that. I just lifted it.

And here i am now, fixing the disaster long weeks later, when the blood’s all dry and hard on the corners. Blood? i meant spit. And i hate puzzles. Besides, try to hold two tiny irregular pieces together, add a third and, on top, some tape. The result is a poem.

And i don’t like analogies, but... well, yeah, ok, i may like them ;)... right now my life is a bit like that: scattered to pieces on the floor, waiting to be fixed and enveloped with adhesive tape. Am i not dramatic?

I still have some more books to fix, so i’ll start there. My life can wait a bit more; it's not that bad, anyway, just like sounding dramatic =)

Wake up and smell the coffee

Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, ohmygosh!!!! I'm feeling kind of jealous of my ex, now... Note the “kind of”, please. I’m not really jealous, i don’t mind him hanging out with any other women, i've never being jealous and this is not the moment to start. But i have to say that this is a feeling just as destructive. I am kind of jealous of his social life, i guess. What if he is "dating" anybody? I don't care, it's his life and, in fact, i'd be glad for him. But... His social life's always been very ample, let's say. He's always had all the friends i didn’t have, so in fact nothing’s changed... But still...

You know, lately, my private life sucks. Not that i'm lacking offers... but i don't feel like having sex with any of the men i used to. That's all. I'm bored. And don't feel like going out look for others neither... or just going out have a drink... i’m feeling sociopath. I’ve always been a bit sociopath, in fact. The kind of sociopat that doesn’t like people, not the one that goes around killing them. Though from time to time i swear i’d kill somebody i know... Guess i don’t have the copyright there.

I’m feeling sociopath and self-destructive.

I guess i need sex.

I don’t want to go back with him. Do you know why i know? Not because lately i have learnt how stupid he can be, or how mean. Probably that’s only because he’s mad at me, or sth like that. He may hate me. He’s a good guy, in fact, though sometimes it’s hard to see. It’s simply because I like finding the things where i left them, and the way i left them. For example, the toilet seat cover. Can't help it! And the back of the frying pans, huh? It's clean now!!! And i don’t even have to use a scraper every two weeks... Besides, i like being alone. Smoke a joint by myself, from time to time, while i'm reading a good book... Guess all this not only means that i don't want to go back with my ex, but that i don't want to live with anybody else.

I wonder if this is gonna last long... probably. That's what i want now, in any case...

Anyway, seems that i do need to wake up and smell the coffee. I guess i’ll have to move close to a coffee shop, or sth.

GPS

I desperately need a GPS. If i still had any doubt about it, everything got solved the other day, when i decided i’d leave for a mall that was supposed to be quite close and never found it. One hour later, i decided to go back home. Sad, isn’t it?

I took a big road, then another one. That was clear enough. Then the promised exit never showed up so i ended up in a lost village too far to be the one... But i tried again, i'm pig-headed. So when i failed for the third time, after trying three different ways that should have taken me there and learning that there was the town’s street fair swh close, i went back home. Nice little outing, huh?

What have we learnt today, kids? NEVER LEAVE WITHOUT A MAP. Googlemaps is helpful, even healthy... There is the town’s street fair in a place close to where i live. That’s always useful information... And i need a fucking GPS. Essential.

This is not the first time, sure. I think the first time may have been the one when my mom and i lost the car. I don't mean in a car park, that's happened many a time. I mean in a little town. Yep. Took us much more than two hours to find it. And we needed help, of course. A policeman kept asking, ma’am, u sure it wasn’t this street? So, ma’am, does this name ring a bell? He seemed to think we where aliens. Green and everything.

Ever since i have been lost so many times in my life that i cannot think of a particular one. Keep mixing thoughts and places. That’s why i need a GPS...

Once i even got lost in a forest. Night came and we couldn't see our own hands. We found a house, not of candy and cake; luckily, the guy there seemed to be more like Father Christmas, long white beard, big wide chest with braces... We where found there by a huge 4x4 with a big floodlight. How embarrassing...

Wonder if a GPS would have been of help...

Pets

My grandmother underwent a PET scan last week.

Kind of imagined a nice little animal waving its tail cheerfully and licking your hands, big expressive eyes and everything... Well, mmm NO.

Maybe they keep using this sort of nice little nicknames so that u don’t get too scared beforehand, maybe because thinking of an animal licking your hand would soften almost everybody’s mind, maybe because while u are thinking of it u won’t think much of that little man that’s to tell u you’re pretty much dying.

Ok, maybe not. In any case, i have to say that it doesn’t work, so they could stop thinking of cute monikers and start thinking of better ways to really describe the thing.
Utility to Get-word about Health (UGH), or Structure Unity Checker for Key Spots (SUCKS)...

PET will say if u have hot spots somewhere, along with the size and nature. Then doctors will tell u. Or your Grans. PET shows two hot spots in addition to the one we already had localised–i can picture a bold little guy, in a white coat, looking distractedly at some papers, not into anybody’s eyes–, so we are no longer operating. We’ll wait for the results of some other tests.

And then my mother told me. That’s the best part. She’s always been so tactful! I have good news and bad news. Good news are that Grans won’t undergo surgery the day after tomorrow–i’m absolutely puzzled, but before i have time to actually open my mouth to say that it doesn’t seem such good news for me–, bad news are that PET showed three spots; the lung one, we were aware of; the second one is on the adrenal gland–that’s fucking rare, in case u didn’t know–and the third is quite close to the colon–she was operated down there about a month ago, now she’s got a bag-to-be-filled-with-shit that she carries everywhere. Only starting to get used to it.

My mom could have said sth like good news she’s not being operated, bad news WHAT FOR?? That would have been quicker.

Ok, a positive attitude is half of it. And even more in cancer processes, at least that’s what i’ve heard. And family support is important. So i won’t be thinking she’s gonna die any minute. So i won’t keep repeating to myself please don’t die, please don’t die. So i won’t go to bed and cry till my throat seems to have a piece of chalk stuck there so that i can’t swallow.

Buy one, get one free

Last Friday i realised that if i didn’t have time to hook up in the traditional way, i should find some other ways to do it. Supermarket? hahaha, NO WAY. Cybersex... wooof, i did try once, because i think that u have to try everything to be able to say whether u like it or not... wooof, definitely not for me. I’m certain it is great for many people, but... that feeling of stillness, not coming or going anywhere ;) is not what i like. Work? Too bad. I already have a problem at work, and that’s so much more than i ought to... Sooo, what’s left? i found myself wondering... And then i got stuck into a traffic jam! what a nice possibility, i thought. Shouldn’t have stayed in the fastest lane. It felt great to be looking around cheerfully instead of cursing all the way back home. That, by the way, was more than one fucking hour and a half. Much more than usual...

So there i was, looking around and singing and not worrying too much about being late ‘cause after all it wouldn’t have helped at all... and then there it was, a huge 4x4 car, with two guys inside... both of them very handsome, in fact. Buy one, get one free =D They were looking at me, so i looked at them mockingly, they smiled and i smiled... But my luck was running out... Shouldn’t have been in the fastest lane. I lost them. Pity. Apart from that, nothing remarkable.

Ah, yeah. And i lost my sunglasses. The very ones that i bought like four days ago. Brilliant!

Diversifying

Seems that after some time of being with good guys (they sure had their weaknesses, drugs, alcohol, among others, but they were basically good guys) i got fed up of them, as i said before. So now i am trying to diversify. Find it tough, i must say, because my life is a predictable one, job, park, home... Occasionally supermarket, greengrocer's and herbalist’s shop, or mall for a pair of cute little shoes and maybe even an afternoon snack with lots of chocolate and a glass of milk.

Diversifying has to be done in the shadows of the night, and, for me, nights are as calm and still as the dead sea in winter. And, lately, when i have had the opportunity, i’ve just stayed home eating pop-corn or simply sleeping; gosh, i’m dead! Besides, i don’t feel like sneaking around by myself, looking for a guy that may or may not succeed in being interesting at all... and then i just don’t know how to say NO when it comes to it. I keep thinking no, i won’t give him my phone number, no, i won’t see him again, it’s been nice enough for a night, let’s not spoil it. And then he says hey, i’d like to see you again, Nope (my answer), come on! it was fun, we could just meet some other night, couldn’t we, give me your phone number... And guess what? I do. I did!! More that twice... and what’s more, I still meet one of them from time to time... don't ask me why... yeah, it’s simple, just don’t know how to say NO when it comes to it...

Man is not the only animal that trips twice over the same stone. Women do that, too...

So now that i’m fed up of everything (quite), i have decided to give my life a makeover. Wonder how... I’m on it =) but given that i’m pretty slow at almost everything, i guess i won't achieve anything before i’m forty. Frustrating.

My job is a bill-paying job. In fact, i cannot complain about it. Still, i do. It's fucking boring and i keep saying the same four sentences over and over again... I feel like i have had the same conversation more than two hundred times... Hi, there, how are u doing? Fine, thanks and u? Well, it’s Wednesday, not too bad, is it? Well, it could be worse... Or Good morning, Sir, how are u doing today? Great, and you? Fine, thank you, is your leg behaving? Sure, it's getting better... Or Good morning, how are u? TGIF!!! Yeah! / not too bad for being Monday... But the ones that i prefer are Good morning, may i help u? yes, i'll put you through. Sorry, but lines are busy at the moment, could u please phone a little later or do u want me to leave a message? It sucks.

So if my personal life is a mess and my working life just sucks... I guess that makeover is justified. And mini-crisis...

Somebody asked me the other day, hey! how’s your mini-crisis going? Uh... no, mate, u got it all wrong, it’s not going anywhere. Pretty well established, in fact, thank u.

But diversifying is fun. I like the feeling when i first meet a guy and i look at him and he looks at me and then we smile and say all kind of stupid things and laugh and just behave in a stupid way that can only mean i want sex. Hehe, everything is so obvious and funny...

Good or bad?

Why are men so fucking predictable? And why do i keep playing along? =) Hehe, may be because that’s what i like...

Good guys are not for me, that’s for sure. Some times i actually find myself wondering whether i should just go for a good one. U know, the kind of man that will keep out of problems, be home early and don’t piss me off too much, the good-father type, pretty well organised, good job, good salary, good-looking... ;D
U’d say: no, they don’t exist. Well, in fact they do, i know of some! Ok, they may not fulfil exceedingly well all of the above-mentioned prerequisites, =P and i’m thinking basically of the last one... but, hey, they get close! they are charming...
So, what? So they are just too good, too calm, too gentle and SOFTY... Gosh, i need spices and decision, to be honest. A tiny little bit of harshness, playful and exciting. Can’t help it. And that’s why i like bad boys... preferably with a big bike. U thought i’d say sth different, huh? hahahaha, that’d be a plus.

Not always being like that, though... My first guy was so softy that once i was asked, to my complete amazement, if he was my younger brother. AND he was five years older than myself... I kept asking him to let his goatee grow. Then i left him and went on a trip to the-best-city-in-the-world-for-not-very-long-stays that i know as far. Relieving... My second significant one was also quite heavy to carry... if only he would have carried himself... Anyway, he left me a great present. Now the present and myself live by ourselves and enjoy going to the swimming pool and the park. And the zoo.

The thing is that i just don’t feel attracted by good guys, they don’t turn me on. I even know of one that fucks wonderfully, but then he looks at me making sheep’s eyes and... ooof, hate that!! That’s one of my problems (i have many, by the way); when a man shows a bit of real interest, i just feel like running away, maybe even shouting for help... I’d prefer those hungry eyes of the song, much more suggestive, ;) undressing me...
Guess that excludes good guys...

Conclusion
I like men who don't like me and the other way around: i don't like men who like me.
Ironic?

yes, we can...

Yes we can!

Yes, we can. Today that’s the predominant feeling. Well, ok, that’s absolutely not true, i must say that right now it is, but not so long ago (four, five hours?) something more like Gosh-i-want-to-Please-don’t-let-me!! was planning over me like a big bird, one of those irish crows, big beaks and everything... Needing to send a humiliating text, fortunately i wasn’t by myself. My co-worker and good friend kept my phone away from me.
But right now, as i said, i’m feeling Yes, we can!
Don’t really know why. Nothing’s changed, in fact. N still...

What about my life. If i am to start something like this i’d better put a kind of draft of my life, so that if by chance anybody sees this doesn't think i'm crazy just like that. I certainly am, but i do have my reasons. Maybe not, who cares, anyway.

Shall i start... i know, i was born on a windy autumn day-just joking, don't worry, i'm not that mean.

Ok, i am just me, nobody important, nothing serious. And my problems are just crappy stupid things. Soooo stupid. Everything is sooo stupid. Me, them, everybody, like the song. And everything. We just keep taking turns, don’t we?

Yesterday it was MY day. I went to bed with such a great feeling of foolishness that i didn’t get to sleep properly. But i won’t say why yet, hehe, that would make me feel even more stupid. Because of a guy would be a plain lie, and that’s the fucking point, by the way. It was all my fault. That’s why i kept hitting my head against walls and doors. No i didn’t. My son was asleep, i would have woken him up.

I can start saying that my whole life is a kind of loose end... try to follow it! Here, there and back again. The story of a transitional life in a nutshell. And i’m no daughter of diplomatic. No european school, no pony. I got a dog, though. But she died and then we moved again. Into a depression and back again through high school. Wow, that was crap. And then i went (this time without the nice rolling stone tied to my neck and pulling from ahead) far, far away, to the land where everything is sunny, cheerful and... Nope, it was a bit to the right, so landed on a little village lost and deserted (i wonder why...). One day i put a washing machine and then a storm came to shout at my ear, so i decided it had been more than enough. Took an apple and a bus and went to the centre. The sunny and cheerful part. And there i got a job, a little apartment and that’s all. We all split into two smaller parties and that was the beginning of my adult life, i guess.