another saturday night

I felt so tired that I just laid down and fall asleep within seconds. I felt the door opening, and smelled her close and felt her eyes fixed on my hair, like in a dream. Her uneasiness, her breathing. I turned my head and opened my eyes just a little bit. Wasn’t sure whether I was really dreaming. She was there, and I smiled and closed my eyes again. I really was very tired. She sat on the edge of the bed, looking at me, grabbing her hands like trying to keep them under control. I curled up around her body, my head on one side, my knees on the other, and she breathed deeply and released her hands and relaxed…

I dreamt of her caressing, kissing me and we making love close to the sea, sounds of waves and all incorporated, and then woke again, maybe two or three minutes had elapsed but it felt like much more and I fondled her back slightly… after all, we had just had sex so it was like natural. Her eyes smiled.

I turned, facing up, giving her space, just in case. She run a finger between my breasts and I trembled. I felt her confidence then, her playful smile, her steady hands… and it was I who trembled. 

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel out of everything. Sometimes I am a little negative and then my life is frustrating and even though I know that statistically I can still do many many things, I feel I never will. Some other times, though, I feel I keep walking. Towards something, the life I want, the person I want to be, the mother I want to become, the professional I’d like to… well, you know. And I don’t really know if I will ever start travelling again, if I will ever have money, basically. Don’t really know anything, starting right now, am I strong enough? Can I stand here and stay here like that frozen princess that even being Disney hits a fucking point? Don’t really know. Will I withdraw? Wouldn’t it be far easier if I would?

I guess this is a bit kind of a transition. Maybe if I hadn’t started… could live fine, even very well… But going back now feels like tying myself in a knot, like losing myself again and forever (it always feels like forever anyway).

And, in many ways and fields, I find myself trying to find “peers”, I mean it’s like I needed someone’s backup, somebody else saying that what I feel is right, that I am not a crazy… don’t know, whore or sth (not that I care about that), or maybe emotionally impeded or whatever my “disorder” can relate to. And in truth, I don’t think I have a problem, and if I analyze it, I know there are as many points of view as there are people on the earth. Which means nothing, by the way. But, again, analytically I know there’s no wrong feeling, there’s no misconception of life, emotions, relations… And still… I keep trying to find someone’s backup. I agree, don’t worry, you’re not alone, you’re not that weird, it’s not that bad. 

Boom

I can’t think properly now. I feel my head is full of sex of a very wide variety. How can anyone just think in such a condition? Cos it is a condition. 

Now go talk about abstinence. Go say it’s very healthy and crap like that. 

Yeah, very funny. 

Too late to choose talking frog?

I fucking hate Mondays. I pretty much fucking hate life by now. It’s so unfair for M… I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I’d just bury my head somewhere and hope a bulldozer passes by. Sounds like I’d kill myself, but no. I’d let sb kill me… Joking

This week-end has been a nightmare. I'm totally shaken and just don't know what to do. I wonder what's worse, what's best, but... 

I can't think of anything funny for closing.

2015

Happy new year!!!

Yeah, sure.

Feeling sad

I guess i try to do like nothing happens, like i'm strong and even stronger, like nothing can hurt me or... whatever.

I feel very sad, and so lost and afraid...

losing my...

What is better for your child

Or what is worse, for that matter

No, really…I’m trying to do my pros and cons list… It’s the only thing that’s left… but I am not sure… I don’t even know if my perceptions are real or enough anymore. I don’t even know if I’m going crazy by now.

What are those things that cross the line? Where is the line and how am I supposed to see it or… Crap.

I can’t go on like this, but I don’t know what to do, how to do it, shit.

I just want to disappear.

This is my point:

Fuck, I don’t even know what my point is anymore.

I guess I lost perspective.

Dissotiation

The separation of a group of mental processes or ideas from the rest of the personality, so that they lead an independent existence, as in cases of multiple personality (Collins)

So like making little, independent packages out of your feelings, emotions, ideas, thoughts… With little labels on the outside, tidy and net.

Like putting death and orphan and sadness and cold and cancer and aunt and third and she likes-well she liked… and other little things like that in a little box and wrapping it with brown paper and then store it somewhere out of sight, in a dark corner or under some other stuff which doesn’t matter anyway, anymore.

And it is brown paper, you know. Not really insulated coating… So it leaks a little bit, here and there. So when you suddenly hear a song, smell something, see a photo or, talking to a friend, it’s a girl! Really? Congrats! How are you gonna call her? Africa! O.        Very nice name.

Then, maybe your throat strangles a little bit. Maybe your eyes feel dizzy. Maybe your lips get tense… Maybe you smile slightly… or another images come to your mind…

There is one that keeps coming to mine. We are sitting on a coach, at my mothers’, when I still lived there, and there was no blue-eyed son yet (no orphan), no responsibilities, no mother, nothing. And we were watching tv, and talking all the time. About flowers, about chakras, about life and death, about whatever we were watching… smoking, eating, chatting… just that, legs crossed on the sofa, side by side.

My world is falling asleep, she said. And it did. 

Put a plaster on your wound

(Don’t know… Does it work? How?)

How can I possibly stop that big stone ball that’s moving inside myself… Guess I can’t, I’ll have to redirect it… ;)

I do have a lot to do, so maybe, just maybe, I can start fixing my, say, professional life, and I’ll go back to the personal side later on… Is that right?

However, after such a long time, I know now I won’t let some things happen again. Or… I’ll try not to… And there’s a lot I can do to make things easier, in fact. I want to learn how to communicate effectively (this headline could be taken from a fucking youtube video… whatever…) and I can be respectful and patient. Yeah, whatever again.  

See? I’m willing…

I’m willing… and I’m willing to do so many other things, too… That might be a little problem. 

Obvious

I know it's going to sound like me me me me again, but this is my stupid crap, isn't it? So just let me be...

I was supposed to be happy. I am supposed to be happy, live a happy (or quite happy) life, be able to give a fucking happy life to my sons... And, instead... Here I am, crying in bed at night like a lonely child, feeling helpless and lost... This is not right, not right at all.

And there you are, unhappy too. Is this even worth it?
You are not the same anymore. And I am not the name anymore... Is this what we really want?

Obviously, no.

Not in the mood

Really

Look, I’m aware at least half of the problem is my fault, I know I have so many things I need to change, and even though sometimes it hurts, I am willing to listen, it’s not criticism itself what makes me want to just leave. It’s everything that surrounds it. That’s what makes me feel like I should be back from all this crap by now…

So many hours of therapy, and I didn’t even solve this in my life… What a waste…

Life

One of my aunts has a cancer. It’s all about percentages. And also genes, I guess. She’s about to die. Now, thing is she has a son. The father is a dangerous drunkard, to make it short. Well, it might depend on the day, but generally he is, and he has no house, he lives here and there, depending on the girlfriend of the moment. The boy is twelve. My own son is seven, and the youngest, two. I can’t keep him, and it feels so wrong…

My aunt keeps thinking she’s going to get better, maybe she’s just saying… Her son doesn’t know she won’t. They have to move… They live in another city and we can’t help them there. They don’t want to leave their everything there. Not that they have a lot of things, it’s not really things what they have…

It’s hard.

We are holding plenty of family meetings. We are taking plenty of difficult decisions. We are trying to reach plenty of agreements.

It’s hard.

Transparent

Today I feel if I let somebody look a little too much into my eyes, they’re gonna see my dreams, my desires, my trembling inside that’s too hot today.

I’d like to close my eyes and let everything get real for a while… for a night… 

Frustration makes me cynical...

New life, old life

I don’t believe in “forever”. And it is simply a matter of sanity. It scares me, the sense of “eternity”.

Whenever the issue comes up, we usually talk about the fear of void, ending, stuff like that… survival of species taken to extremes. And I agree, can see that, understand that fear, I empathize with that feeling, and know that many people are really afraid of disappearing just like that and then nothing.

But what I think is… what’s the alternative? I mean, if I don’t rot and end of story… Then I keep being myself for ever. Thinking. Let’s give some credit to stories of our cultures. No body. Mind, and no body. Sorry, soul. And no body – no sex. No sex but a lot of thinking. Man, doesn’t it sound awful?? I know I’m weird, but it seems plain to me. And no sleeping, too! Gosh, how could that be sane in any possible scenery?

Plenty of time to think and rethink and, say, observe. Sounds like fun.

To be honest, that scares me. If I have too much thinking, I go crazy. I feel I’d better kill myself. So that is really why I don’t believe there is nothing after this real earthly life. I don’t buy any extreme joy, happiness for ever, peaceful feeling spreading over your soul. I don’t know everybody else, but I don’t think could be happy and so for a long time, you know, I can’t help thinking and if I can’t do anything it has to be very frustrating, and frustrating is not a synonym for peaceful, is it?

So no forevers for me, thanks.

Not here and now, not later on.

I think I already said that I am a serial monogamous just out of socialization and maybe because I was young and not very wise when I started living. If I had the chance to restart with the knowledge I have now, I’d do very differently. But that’s life. You start young, and then you learn, and then it’s late.

I don’t mean I regret what I have done. I do regret what I haven’t done, but that’s another issue. It’s more like… I might regret how I did it… I might change that. Abiding by social standards, being so limited inside… So afraid, so dependent. Serial monogamous…

I know it’s never too late. I know I can still do so many things, I could even change my whole life, turn it upside down if I would. If I would. Then collateral damages would arise. Not for me. I am not scared for myself any more. Well, that’s so not true, but it sounded great. I am working on that. I am not that scared for myself any more, now I am scared for other reasons. Because if I decided to die, suffering wouldn’t be mine. If I decided to run away… how could i? How could I separate my children from their family, how could I take them away, uproot them, their school, how could I find a school I feel comfortable with, how could I take them to a school I don’t feel comfortable with… And I didn’t say anything about the obvious… In fact, this is really nothing compared to how could I hurt them so much. In any case. Not even fleeing.

So even if it is never too late… Is it really possible?

In a way, I feel I have changed so much that I might be a very different person, but I can’t know, because I won’t get rid of my old skin, how could I, it’s too dangerous and the collateral damages would be far too great to be really considered. 

lost

Feel so fucking guilty right now. Not that it is going to be of use… I guess I have to start doing sth differently. I realized, right now, just like that, that I have stopped doing things that I consider basic for the education of my children just because. Just because my partner expressed he didn’t like them, just because I didn’t want to argue, just because I didn’t mean to offend or upset or bother him. Just because… And my eyes filled with tears.

I am too sensitive, lately. I am about to burst into tears every minute or two. And I just want to disappear or die or sth that implies to stop abruptly. I think if I didn’t have my children I would have fled very, very far away quite a long time ago. I want to get out of this fucking circus.

And I really feel I have no options. I am like, don’t know, annulated? Put my poker face and keep going. But filled of an irrational rage that splatters around from time to time, and this is hurting people I love.

I am at a loss.

Going through an existential something?

I’d like to just try to figure out who I really am now.