lost

Feel so fucking guilty right now. Not that it is going to be of use… I guess I have to start doing sth differently. I realized, right now, just like that, that I have stopped doing things that I consider basic for the education of my children just because. Just because my partner expressed he didn’t like them, just because I didn’t want to argue, just because I didn’t mean to offend or upset or bother him. Just because… And my eyes filled with tears.

I am too sensitive, lately. I am about to burst into tears every minute or two. And I just want to disappear or die or sth that implies to stop abruptly. I think if I didn’t have my children I would have fled very, very far away quite a long time ago. I want to get out of this fucking circus.

And I really feel I have no options. I am like, don’t know, annulated? Put my poker face and keep going. But filled of an irrational rage that splatters around from time to time, and this is hurting people I love.

I am at a loss.

Going through an existential something?

I’d like to just try to figure out who I really am now.