Monday, September 29, 2014

New life, old life

I don’t believe in “forever”. And it is simply a matter of sanity. It scares me, the sense of “eternity”.

Whenever the issue comes up, we usually talk about the fear of void, ending, stuff like that… survival of species taken to extremes. And I agree, can see that, understand that fear, I empathize with that feeling, and know that many people are really afraid of disappearing just like that and then nothing.

But what I think is… what’s the alternative? I mean, if I don’t rot and end of story… Then I keep being myself for ever. Thinking. Let’s give some credit to stories of our cultures. No body. Mind, and no body. Sorry, soul. And no body – no sex. No sex but a lot of thinking. Man, doesn’t it sound awful?? I know I’m weird, but it seems plain to me. And no sleeping, too! Gosh, how could that be sane in any possible scenery?
Plenty of time to think and rethink and, say, observe. Sounds like fun.

To be honest, that scares me. If I have too much thinking, I go crazy. I feel I’d better kill myself. So that is really why I don’t believe there is nothing after this real earthly life. I don’t buy any extreme joy, happiness for ever, peaceful feeling spreading over your soul. I don’t know everybody else, but I don’t think could be happy and so for a long time, you know, I can’t help thinking and if I can’t do anything it has to be very frustrating, and frustrating is not a synonym for peaceful, is it?

So no forevers for me, thanks.

Not here and now, not later on.

I think I already said that I am a serial monogamous just out of socialization and maybe because I was young and not very wise when I started living. If I had the chance to restart with the knowledge I have now, I’d do very differently. But that’s life. You start young, and then you learn, and then it’s late.

I don’t mean I regret what I have done. I do regret what I haven’t done, but that’s another issue. It’s more like… I might regret how I did it… I might change that. Abiding by social standards, being so limited inside… So afraid, so dependent. Serial monogamous…

I know it’s never too late. I know I can still do so many things, I could even change my whole life, turn it upside down if I would. If I would. Then collateral damages would arise. Not for me. I am not scared for myself any more. Well, that’s so not true, but it sounded great. I am working on that. I am not that scared for myself any more, now I am scared for other reasons. Because if I decided to die, suffering wouldn’t be mine. If I decided to run away… how could i? How could I separate my children from their family, how could I take them away, uproot them, their school, how could I find a school I feel comfortable with, how could I take them to a school I don’t feel comfortable with… And I didn’t say anything about the obvious… In fact, this is really nothing compared to how could I hurt them so much. In any case. Not even fleeing.

So even if it is never too late… Is it really possible?

In a way, I feel I have changed so much that I might be a very different person, but I can’t know, because I won’t get rid of my old skin, how could I, it’s too dangerous and the collateral damages would be far too great to be really considered. 

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