Bitch

I hate the world today...

All i have to do is dream...

I feel lost. Can’t find anything that reflects my feelings, and i swear i have heard like a thousand songs today. Ok, i may be exaggerating a tiny little bit, but have heard loads of songs. Fifties, eighties, nineties, soul, pop, rock, no matter what. But for heavy; no heavy today. And i have listened to meredith brooks’ bitch like twenty times (i mean it!). I guess it gets close. Changeable? me? oh, please...

Seems that i have to find a job right now. I mean another... those nice two women working in the hr department are planning to suck me soon. So i better go before they do. Thing is i don’t know where... don’t know what to do with my life, don’t know what i want, or what i like. I do not feel like waking up in the morning, in fact. I’d stay in bed all day long. And it wouldn’t make any change.

A friend of mine said,not long ago, that we are not 22 anymore, and we should be closer to know what the fuck we want, closer to what we actually want. Talking about work, am i closer than when i was 22? not in the least, i’m afraid. The only real difference is that i am much more conscious about the fact that it’s getting urgent...

I remember being in my early twenties. It wasn’t that different... or was it? well, maybe it was... I was studying, most of the time working too, and sure it was hard, sure the exams drove me mad, sure three or four months a year i was stuck at home, glued to the computer and stuff like that. But the rest of the time... hehehe... aaand there’s the summer holidays issue too: two to three months, do what you want, go where you please and manage to work there... I know studying is hard, and i’m not trying to underestimate it. I remember thinking oooff, this is crap, can’t stand it any more... i remember i wanted to start working, real life, u know... Seems i’m never satisfied. Seems i had an idealized idea of “real world”. Fuck it.

Now i’m not 22 anymore i’m older, but also wiser. I do many things i wouldn’t have dreamt of, and i’m pretty happy with myself, so much more than i used to, in any case. I don’t know. Would i go back to my early twenties? I know for sure i wouldn’t go back to my teens, but having 22 again is tempting, can’t hide it =)

Anyway, as i said, i do feel more and more comfortable with myself, and also with my age. It is enriching, growing up ;) And i wouldn’t change so many things of my current life so i guess i could not possibly go back to be 22 that way...

Talking about twenties... when i was twenty, i met a guy in his forties. He was next to my first boyfriend... well, second (after the one that looked much better dressed that naked, thick dick and all). He was a boss in the company i worked for at that moment, and the day before leaving the job i sent him an email. He happened to be quite unstable, depressive (now i think of it, probably almost every men i have been with has been depressive... bad bad bad), not tall, not very handsome... ooofff, sounds awful, doesn’t it? He had something, though. He was kind of adorable. Anyway, i was going abroad for the summer, and i told him i didn't want anything serious till i came back. He was not supposed to be phoning every two hours to tell me any stupid thing that could have crossed his mind. The day he asked me to tell him i loved him, then urged me to do so, then kept insisting on it, i realized i was wrong, so wrong. Again. Didn’t pick up the phone ever since, till i came back. By the way, i didn't tell him i loved him, because i didn't. Fortunately i didn't give him time enough... now i really think he was a little bit... insane... And going on with my exes, i got involved with a guy (whose name i don’t remember) that had everything: he was kind, nice, handsome, he had money, a great job, a pretty good house, he was attractive (though a bit short)... good in bed... i don’t know why i didn’t like him, in fact. Maybe because he was not depressive and weird, maybe because he was handsome or had so many good things... but the fact is that i got kind of bored the first morning. We kept meeting for a whole week, but i new it was about to finish. When i left i didn’t even give him my mobile phone #, or my email address. I never knew anything else about him. But every time i watch Nemo i remember lying on his carpet, watching that huge screen, eating popcorn and drinking good wine, laughing insanely and feeling his eyes glued on me. He was good.