Bureaucracy

How could i make such a great mistake. I wonder.

I never feel like writing the pronoun that refers to myself in capital letters. I. But least of all, today. Right now i feel like crap. I just realized how big my mistake was. Like god. I won't write it in capital letters as long as it refers to sb that may consider him/herself perfect and still keep its newborn non-baptized creatures in limbo just because of a rough missing paperwork. Or it used to before the almighty spokesman (not person) pope abolished that hellish place. Wonder where did every little soul as far captive there went at that point. Did he get to mention that little issue? I’ll check up. And keeps trying to have everybody noted down in books and confessed before deciding about his/her goodness, despite its own omnipotence. Fucking bureaucracy. Wouldn’t use capitals.

Now... i decided to have a baby with him (my ex, not the pope or god...). He, who has shown to be such an egocentric and immature person. How the fuck did he seem a good choice by then? Was i egocentric and immature enough not to realize? Was i fooled or blinded by love or any other stupid thing like that? Is that only an excuse? Senseless.

So many men fighting to be able to see his own kids more often, to have "the half of them he is entitled by law"... and mine fights back not to see the best little kid ever quite as much. Not to talk to me when that sweet boy is having such a bad time just to try to make things easier for him. I don't care if he doesn't want to talk to me, really. But i swear deep inside i burst into tears when i see my son rejected like that. U raise him by yourself, then. That's gotta be hard to hear from your father's lips when you are two and a half.

Later on i actually burst into tears, once my son is in bed, under the jet of the shower. I didn't even say will u sign that? I'm not scathing till it's too late. And besides i don't talk like that in front of my kid, so it's better that such a comment didn't come to my imagination. I would have poisoned myself on biting my lips. I was just left there, at the open door, feeling so small, so helpless.

He was smiling. It hurt all the more for that. I can't help but thinking that he was enjoying it. But maybe he was just too tense and couldn't think of a better face to offer. I still believe he's not such a bad guy. But, heavens, i do think he seems so!! Is it simply that he hates me and wants me to suffer? He did tell me once that he was starting to hate me. I could understand that, but thing is he is not hurting me, he is hurting my son. Sure that hurts me. Is it worthy? Hurting your son just to see your ex's pain?

Really, i just don't get it. Guessing doesn't take me anywhere and i'm still at a loss...